Worn and a little hurt.

"I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing."

It's taken two years for me to write again.
Finally, I am ready.
I am ready to share my heart and let out my final (probably going to be long) sigh.

I feel as though sometimes I am invincible, like nothing can hurt me or touch me. In one ear out the other. The problem is I am nothing, like at all, on my own. Therefore, heartache is inevitable.

Two years ago began a journey I truly thought I would never embark. Rejection which has led to depression and bitterness. And not until moving across the country did I realize how deep all of it actually was.

I have always struggled with acceptance. Whether it was peers, bosses, elders, or quite honestly my Heavenly Father. It only got worse after my accident, I used the difference as an excuse to justify why I should not be accepted. It is a daily struggle that I am constantly (still) surrendering to God.

So in 2016 when I started on a new job, it was no different.
It started out grand. I was amazed by the new children and intrigued by the new adventure.
This time though, slowly, and then very rapidly I was judged and greatly disliked by the very lies I have told myself for years.
I was told I was incompetent. I was not good at ANYTHING I did. I can't do anything right. I physically couldn't do some of the things they asked because of only having one arm, and then I was told I use my disability as an excuse. I seriously tried everything in my power to prove them wrong and nothing satisfied.
But what got to me the most was, these were fellow believers that fed me these lies.
I began having anxiety attacks, constantly sick, constantly sobbing, and after 4 months I was asked to leave because I got sick and was told never come back.
I drove away with no real closure,  no goodbyes to parents or kids. Instead, I drove away one last time completely broken and forever changed.

All the meanwhile before and then during those 4 months, Jason and I attended a new church and small group to connect with new couples and again, heartbreak. We were open and struggles were shared and then all of the sudden we weren't informed of new times, no contact was made, and we were pretty much non existent in these peoples eyes. There were no hurtful statements made, but there was no effort in being our friends. Again, hurt by fellow believers.

If people in the church don't think I am worthy of being a friend, or think that I am useless, then it must be true. It doesn't matter what the people that I know or love say, what they said is true because they are Christians too. And since they are Christians, God must think it too.

So, I believed them.

My view of church changed. I had no desire to attend. Anywhere. ( Honestly, real talk, It's still a struggle.)
I began to see why unbelievers feel so rejected and judged and don't like "the church". I was rejected for my real self, and things I have no control over, and I love Jesus. I can't imagine how they feel.

So, I began to internalize. That is until a couple of months ago.

Every time, I prayed, read scripture that convicted me of forgiveness, or heard sermons, I would literally ignore it. FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS.
I know, I am not a very good Christian, but its truth and I am here to be real.

I don't know if you have ever been in a place of hurt or deep sadness but eventually you get to a massive breaking point. The point to where you are seamingly hanging by a thread to keep breathing. The point where you have cried so much you can't even form tears anymore. I literally just somewhat recently hit this point.

I have let satan control me, until now.
I let him continuously feed me lies, better yet I encouraged and believed him by not acknowledging truth.

What is the truth?
Ephesians 1:4 "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love" (Just read all of it.. so good)

The truth is no matter what, God chose me.
Literally before creation.

No matter what anyone says, I am His.

Why is it so hard to believe?

Because it's a lot easier believing a lie, than admitting we are wrong and believing something that requires us to give up our pride. (At least that's what I think.) I mean after all we are human and love the easy routes even if it is costly.

I am finally able to think or talk about these circumstances without tears.
I am learning that it is a process and that maybe these people who hurt me, were actually hurting themselves.
I am learning that its actually important to share my struggles and journey, because I am not alone and who knows who else may be hurting.
I am also learning to be accepting of others, but in order to do so I need to accept myself by believing the truths God has plainly laid before me.
Lastly, I am learning that people, even fellow believers, will fail or hurt me. Why? Because we are ALL sinners.

I am in a season of self reflection and honestly loneliness. I love where we are but making friends and building community is so hard and not coming easily. So I have a lot of free time to think about this and have many opportunities to feed my heart truth.

I am still constantly forgiving and dismissing lies. But I am not in bondage of those lies anymore.

I may be worn and a little hurt, but man MY God is a healer and He is healing my soul. God is good.

"For God has said: I will never fail you and never abandon you." Hebrews 13:5

Freedom.

A few weeks ago someone said to me "It's going to be ok. When you get over this (loosing my arm) you will go through something else and this (loosing my arm) will be not as big of a deal."

I was left standing in complete silence.
Anger brewed and there satan had control.

How am I ever going to get over loosing my arm? When will I ever think "Oh man, having only one arm is SO easy! I never struggle anymore." I won't. I know that for a fact.

A few days later I was in Target and the stares dug deep in my soul. I saw a mom turn her child's face away from me afraid of what would happen or be said if that child saw me. I died inside. Do I really look that scary?

The next day I was getting ready and I just couldn't button my pants. No matter how hard I tried. Then I was heating up left overs and dropped them all because it was too awkward to hold with one hand. I cried a little bit. But, I sucked it up and moved on.

Last Thursday Jason was driving me to work. We were in the far left lane. The concrete wall was on one side and a car on the other. The car beside me went halfway in our lane causing Jason to swerve only inches from the wall. The lady in the car was so close to us if both of our windows were down I could have easily touched her nose. She then realized, went back to her lane, and looked (with no emotions) continuing to drive.
I went in full blown anxiety attack.
I started to hyperventilate, my heart was RACING, and I screamed so loud.
I started sobbing. Like HARD sobs. Painful sobs.(I literally have not cried that hard since I had to have my stitches removed from my arm.)
I let it out.
I released pain I had been bottling up for a few weeks and just the painful reality that it will never go away.
I looked at Jason and sat in silence, shaking, and we just were in shock.
Because if you were there you would be in agreement that there is no other reason but God intervening that we didn't get into a horrible wreck.

I went into work and cried, but it wasn't until I sat in my classroom while the kids were napping that I really processed it.

I saw her face, and then I flashed back to the man that caused my whole wreck.
I felt the hopelessness and fear. Huge amounts of fear.

At the perfect timing my playlist played "No longer Slaves" By Bethel Music

And there truth reminded me of who I am.

"I am NO longer a slave to fear, because I AM A CHILD OF GOD."

I am HIS precious child and yet I have chosen to be slave to fear. Why? Why would I let satan have that hold on me?

"All my fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could stand and sing. I am a child of God."

 I cried and prayed in my classroom of 7 sleeping children. I am so thankful that despite my selfish ways, God is there, He assures me, and kindly reminds me that He dealt with my fears so there is absolutely no reason why I should be in bondage. I have to surrender and give it to Him. He has dealt with my fears MANY MANY years ago.

How freeing is that?

After, I realized what that person was trying to say. They weren't meaning that I would "get over" something so awful as loosing my arm, but they were meaning that as His child I have Him walking me through this trial and the next trial I go through will be easier because what I have already been through.

I love how truth really does set you free.
He really gives freedom.

Freedom in your thoughts. (Fear can turn into anger and bitterness.)
Freedom in what people say. (Not hearing what you want but hearing what is said.)
FREEDOM IN FEAR.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have receive the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!""
Romans 8:15

I remembered.

There are so many things going on in my head right now. 

I have been waiting till I can put my emotions into words and about 10 minutes ago I knew I was ready to write.

About a month after Jason and I got married, quite a few things happened. One of them being my car dying. He has ever-so kindly taken me to work and picked me up almost everyday. Although I have greatly appreciated it, it has also been so hard. It has brought me to the days of depending on everyone around me right after my accident. It has made me feel that hopelessness and burden I felt like I was.  

I have grieved about those feelings, because I realized I never had. I would sit for hours and just think about the pain that I had never felt. I have prayed like never before. Hours of prayer and conversation.

Jason has a F-150. I have been so scared to attempt driving it. There are a few quirks and I have been scared. He offered to go practice and I would put it off. 

I honestly think now that God was preparing my heart. 

A few weeks ago I made up my mind it was time. 

I got in the car and drove. I got on the road, I was fine. 

Then, I made a turn and for the first time EVER I remembered. 

I began to sob uncontrollably and I pulled over and sat barely able to breathe. 

I have never been able to remember the feelings or even have flashbacks of what happened after I swerved my car from hitting on coming traffic, until now. 

I saw the guardrail, that changed everything. 

I felt my car turning without anyway to control it. 

I felt the whiplash.

I felt the pain and the certainty I was going to die.

I felt utter hopelessness. 

Jason stood there in the pouring rain holding me so tight for a solid 15 minutes until I could control myself. 

I feel like I have literally gone through it all over again.

Just over 3 years after my life changing I am just now seeing what happened. 

It is so hard to wrap my head around. 

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. 

The pain in my body has been unbearable at times. 

Last Sunday I sat in Church while my arm twitched, burned, moved uncontrollably, and I sat there trying to hold back the tears but they started anyway. I had to get up and just pace in the hallway to distract my mind hoping at least some of the pain would go away. A hour later it finally started to die down.  The emotional struggle when that is going on is so big and so painful. It literally drains me. 

Monday morning I woke up. I knew I was in DESPERATE need of strength. Not physical but spiritual strength. 

I remembered a verse a friend had sent me weeks prior and just knew it was EXACTLY for this moment.  

Psalm 143:7-8

Answer me quickly, O Lord, my spirit fails;

Do not hide Your face from me,

Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.

Let me hear Your loving kindness in the morning;

For I trust in You;

Teach me the way in which I should walk;

For to You I life up my soul.

I (again) realized this is a process. 

A journey. 

I am never going to wake up and have two arms again. 

Life is always going to be hard and there are always things I will have to grieve over. 

But God. 

He knows. He knows pain, grief, and gives strength before we even know we need it. (Which is ALL the time.) 

I am so grateful for the gift of His word. 

I am not going to say that it makes it easier, because that's a lie. 

What I will say is that because of His truth I know there is purpose. In the pain or the best days of our lives. 

This past week has been richer, and even more precious. 

Everyday when we ride over that bridge and I see the place that has caused SO much pain, I see a purpose. 

A forever changed me. 

A lost arm, but a gained perspective into the goodness and love of The Father. 

God is good. 

Excuses.

I'm sitting here staring at this blank screen with so many questions, thoughts, and emotions. 

Yet, I don't really know what to write. I don't at all what to sound like I am complaining but my heart really needs to vent.

So, I am just going to start typing, lay it all out there, and hopefully it will make sense. 

I am so exhausted. From many things really. 

So many things going on at once. My heart aches for rest. 

I find myself sitting in silence just wondering what is God doing. 

Wondering why in whats supposed to be a fun/new time are so many hard things happening. 

I started getting sick on our honeymoon. We thought oh its just blood sugar stuff. It keeps getting worse. I am constantly not feeling well. I have been to emergency rooms, and many doctors appointments. I have missed work several times. We know of many things it isn't but not sure what exactly it is. All we know something is wrong with my stomach or colon, along with a few other little things.

On top of all that Jason's car had to be fixed, and my car now needs to have repairs.

Jason has had kidney stones. And my meme passed away. 

I sit here so discouraged and wondering why all these other newly married couples have perfect lives. (They don't, by the way.)

I want this so called "BLISS" where everything is happy. 

There are is a problem with that.

I am totally being foolish and believing a lie. 

Lies are so easy to believe. Especially when society portrays false realities. Expectation of perfection is just natural. At least for me. (These are all excuses in case you were wondering.) 

Which is so incredibly dumb. Are we perfect? NO! Can we ever reach perfection? NO! So why do I think I have this entitlement to be perfect or have a perfect life? Because if I am going to be straight up honest, my trust isn't in my Creator it is in myself and I am afraid of what could come. I fail miserably every day yet God chooses to love me and thankfully reminds me of truth. 

But now, this is what the Lord says—

    he who created you, Jacob,

    he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 

When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

    they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

    you will not be burned;

    the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:1-3a

I think for so long I literally thought when God is with you nothing can happen (You would have thought I could have learned by now.) That isn't what He is saying at all. Our hearts are His. Our souls can't be touched if they belong to Christ. We will go through many things, but it can't and won't hurt us. 

No matter what happens on earth nothing can harm our souls. Not even death. I should be afraid of NOTHING. At. ALL.

I am striving to have a faith that is so radiant. I am longing for a soul that shines so bright people are drawn to. 

BUT None, of that will happen if I don't choose to surrender. And know that yeah this is hard and kinda sucks sometimes, but what can harm me? 

I have the Lord, Holy one, Savior, on MY side. MY SIDE.  

SO. COOL. 

God is so good, and I am so grateful for truth that does truly give me rest. 

I felt it.

It really is the funniest thing.

You know how you say "God is good, even in the hard times!"
And you may even post it in a blog or something.
Stating a hypothetical situation of making, maybe PB&J?

Then it happened.
It was last week.
We were making tacos.
The reality and list of how much help I really need grew. LONG.
The emotions were stirring.

I can't cut the frozen meat. I couldn't open the salsa. I couldn't cut the avocado. And other things, but you get the point.

Then, I did something so unhealthy. I stuffed it. I stuffed my emotions and didn't acknowledge the anger boiling inside me.

Next day. I couldn't put a ponytail in one of the kids in my class hair. It took me 5 minutes to open 1 string cheese. I broke 2 diapers. And the little obstacles got bigger and bigger.

That night I got in bed, and Jason said something and I just broke into pieces. I began to sob. Hard sobs.

Confessing all these emotions and frustrations. Of why can't I just be done going through this? It truly is the hardest thing not to be angry knowing I can't and NEVER will I be able to do things. Yeah, Yeah, I can have tools that help me, but accepting the harsh reality is so hard in a new situation that it won't ever be "normal". It truly is a daily battle.

In the midst of it all, Jason held me.
It was the most vulnerable I think I have ever felt. The pain felt so strong. I felt, and told Jason, that I felt like I failed him, ALREADY.

He just began to speak truth. Holding me and telling me its wrong to think that way, and that he it doesn't even bother him at all. Jason then said that he married me for me, not for the things I can or can't do. And that he loves me more than I will ever know. (And way more but that is the main stuff!)

Those simple truths. They gave me such a picture of Christ that it just makes me cry thinking about it.
When we cry, complain, and vent to our Father, He holds us, speaks truth, loves us despite our imperfections, and loves us more than we will ever know.
I count is as a HUGE blessing to have a husband that loves me THROUGH Christ. And I know that because I felt that in such a real, and raw way.

These three weeks have been the best three weeks of my life. Jason is the greatest gift I have ever received and I am so grateful God saw fit for me to be Jason's wife.

I am also grateful for NEW seasons. It's truly hard to experience new struggles and new emotions. And to be honest I just think it gets harder. But on the flip side. I love the fact that God chooses to give us these feelings to teach us to rely, surrender, and to love HIM with our heart not just our mouth. I just love how He gives me so many opportunities to live out the truth that I say I believe. I fail a lot, but I love the things He is teaching me. It really gives me pure joy.  I am so proud to be a daughter of the KING.

God is truly good.

One week left a Miss.

It's all surreal.

Everyone said it would go by fast but I didn't realize that meant in a blink of an eye.
It's really the craziest thing.

I can't even begin to explain all the emotions that have gone in my head.
I have excitement, joy, fear, anxiousness, nervousness, happiness, and many more all at the same time.

But it's like when you are hit with such exciting new things satan tries to steal it. And I'll be honest it's been hard to not give it to him.

I am so elated to be a wife. To make dinner, see him in the morning, kiss him goodnight, clean "our" place, and do "wifey" things.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am.
But I am also so nervous and scared. I still don't know all of what I can and cannot do. And I know it's never bothered Jason but I just feel bad life won't be normal.

It is so hard to not dwell in grief.
I have to lay it down EVERYDAY.
I have to process daily still (and honestly I probably always will) that life will never be the same.

Now, I am not just taking care of myself. In a week, I will have a new role.
And to be honest, it's so hard not to think of those little things. Like the fact that I can't even make a PB&J sandwich for my husband because I can't hold the bread down while I spread it. And that is just one of the simplest things.

Then, (of course), I had to go and read Job.

Job 1:20-22

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said,“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,And naked I shall return there.The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.

Wow! (Man, that slap in the face hurt!)

So, I am sitting there and all I could do was sob.
I was being so selfish. Look at what God has done.
Yes, my arm is gone.
Yes, I am always in pain.
Yes, my life will never be the same and it sucks sometimes.

BUT GOD!!!!!!

He gave me LIFE, JOY, and PEACE.
He has given me a job, that I get loved on by little kids.
A family who loves me.

And lastly, He gave me Jason. A man who loves God so much it pours out. A man who is so kind and accepting of EVERY person he meets.  A man who in the worst moments of my life tried everything in his power to accommodate and make me feel "normal". A man who literally loves me in such a way that makes me feel beautiful and worth the world. He is so amazing, and I am SO lucky I get to call him mine. (Goodness, it makes me cry just thinking about it:D)

WOW! I really love that God choses to give us His word. I don't deserve it. Like, at all.
But instead, He gives me hope. That you know, I don't understand. And quite frankly I know it will be hard.
But every day I choose to say and surrender to believe "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

God is good. SO good.

P.S. I am getting married in one week. ONE WEEK!!!!!
P.S.S. I seriously can't contain this excitement!!!
P.S.S.S. ANDDDDDD Jason is taking me to disney. DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!! :)

Yes, to the rest of my life.

January 1, 2015 I said YES to marrying my best friend, Jason. He rang the door bell with a rose in hand (looking SO handsome I might add) with my parents, brothers, grandparents, great-grandmother, two best friends, his parents and his grandparents all there surprising me. I was in SHOCK.
BEST. DAY. EVER. (And oh my the ring is gorgeous!!!)

I know that every girl says they are the luckiest but, I really am. I can't imagine spending my life with  any one else. Jason is the most selfless, caring, compassionate person I have met. He is patient and kind. He always listens and always loves. He has been such a great example of Christ in my life. He loves me even when I am hard to love. He encourages me to pursue my dreams and to always choose the path God wants, even if that means going to mission trips for 1 1/2 months. He is truly amazing. I am just so in love with him and I can't wait to start our life together.

With all of that being said, I wasn't prepared for the emotions I have felt and am feeling on this journey. I just am all over the place with Joy, happiness, excitement, anxiousness, peace and grief/sadness. I am realizing in the truest form that the "dreams" I have planned my whole life for my wedding day are gone. And even though it is such an exciting time, it is hard to not just cry because life isn't what I was planning for it to be.

As a little girl I planned my wedding in every detail. I loved the idea of a fairytale ending. I had pretty much decided that no matter what I would do 3 things for my wedding.
1. Carry a big beautiful bouquet of flowers. (I LOVE flowers!)
2. Wear a beautiful long sleeve wedding dress.
3. Go to Disney for my honeymoon.
I'm serious. Since like at least 10 years old that has been my dream.

I have had to come to realization that only one of those things can happen. I can't carry flowers and hold my dad's arm with just one hand and I can't wear a long sleeve dress with only one arm.
It is hard. It may seem silly to you but this was my dream, my happy ending, and I felt like all over again it was just shattered and ripped away. I didn't want to face it.

5 days after Jason and I got engaged my mom texted me while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go look at dresses. I replied yes. But in my heart I truly did not want to face my emotions. I pulled in and my heart was sinking. We walked in. I was bitter. As I looked through those dresses thoughts in my head of "This isn't fair." "Why couldn't I just look normal." "I am no longer going to look beautiful like I always pictured."
I broke.
I sobbed and sobbed.
My mom held me for several minutes. And as she was crying she began to comfort me saying that I was going to be beautiful. More beautiful. And that God had the perfect dress for me.
Honestly, I wanted to believe her, but I couldn't.
So I got myself together and began to put dresses into the dressing room.
I put on the first dress and I came out. My mom cried.
I loved it. I felt pretty. Which was confusing because it wasn't what I always dreamed of. Actually it was NOTHING like it.
I wanted to try on more. I tried on 4 more. All similar to one that I always had dreamt of in some way or another.
I knew. I needed to put on that first one again.
I was pretty serious the whole time I put on all those dresses until I stepped out again in that first dress.
I saw myself.
I felt beautiful.
I saw my scars and thought they were beautiful for the first time ever.
I saw myself as a bride.
I felt the joy of Christ overwhelm me and I sobbed.
My mom was right, God knew. He knew when I was 10 and gave me dreams that one day He was going to teach me that His dreams for me are WAY better. He had picked my dress well before I even planned my dreams.

He used a silly wedding dress to once again remind me how just awesome He is. And how just amazing it is that the dress was no where near what I pictured. I love that. It is so a reflection of just life. God's plan is not ever what we think it is, which is just great because it ends up being WAY better.

I could go on and on of just how God has worked in my life and in Jason and I's upcoming wedding.
I just am so incredibly thankful.
All I can say is God is SO good.