Worn and a little hurt.

"I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing."

It's taken two years for me to write again.
Finally, I am ready.
I am ready to share my heart and let out my final (probably going to be long) sigh.

I feel as though sometimes I am invincible, like nothing can hurt me or touch me. In one ear out the other. The problem is I am nothing, like at all, on my own. Therefore, heartache is inevitable.

Two years ago began a journey I truly thought I would never embark. Rejection which has led to depression and bitterness. And not until moving across the country did I realize how deep all of it actually was.

I have always struggled with acceptance. Whether it was peers, bosses, elders, or quite honestly my Heavenly Father. It only got worse after my accident, I used the difference as an excuse to justify why I should not be accepted. It is a daily struggle that I am constantly (still) surrendering to God.

So in 2016 when I started on a new job, it was no different.
It started out grand. I was amazed by the new children and intrigued by the new adventure.
This time though, slowly, and then very rapidly I was judged and greatly disliked by the very lies I have told myself for years.
I was told I was incompetent. I was not good at ANYTHING I did. I can't do anything right. I physically couldn't do some of the things they asked because of only having one arm, and then I was told I use my disability as an excuse. I seriously tried everything in my power to prove them wrong and nothing satisfied.
But what got to me the most was, these were fellow believers that fed me these lies.
I began having anxiety attacks, constantly sick, constantly sobbing, and after 4 months I was asked to leave because I got sick and was told never come back.
I drove away with no real closure,  no goodbyes to parents or kids. Instead, I drove away one last time completely broken and forever changed.

All the meanwhile before and then during those 4 months, Jason and I attended a new church and small group to connect with new couples and again, heartbreak. We were open and struggles were shared and then all of the sudden we weren't informed of new times, no contact was made, and we were pretty much non existent in these peoples eyes. There were no hurtful statements made, but there was no effort in being our friends. Again, hurt by fellow believers.

If people in the church don't think I am worthy of being a friend, or think that I am useless, then it must be true. It doesn't matter what the people that I know or love say, what they said is true because they are Christians too. And since they are Christians, God must think it too.

So, I believed them.

My view of church changed. I had no desire to attend. Anywhere. ( Honestly, real talk, It's still a struggle.)
I began to see why unbelievers feel so rejected and judged and don't like "the church". I was rejected for my real self, and things I have no control over, and I love Jesus. I can't imagine how they feel.

So, I began to internalize. That is until a couple of months ago.

Every time, I prayed, read scripture that convicted me of forgiveness, or heard sermons, I would literally ignore it. FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS.
I know, I am not a very good Christian, but its truth and I am here to be real.

I don't know if you have ever been in a place of hurt or deep sadness but eventually you get to a massive breaking point. The point to where you are seamingly hanging by a thread to keep breathing. The point where you have cried so much you can't even form tears anymore. I literally just somewhat recently hit this point.

I have let satan control me, until now.
I let him continuously feed me lies, better yet I encouraged and believed him by not acknowledging truth.

What is the truth?
Ephesians 1:4 "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love" (Just read all of it.. so good)

The truth is no matter what, God chose me.
Literally before creation.

No matter what anyone says, I am His.

Why is it so hard to believe?

Because it's a lot easier believing a lie, than admitting we are wrong and believing something that requires us to give up our pride. (At least that's what I think.) I mean after all we are human and love the easy routes even if it is costly.

I am finally able to think or talk about these circumstances without tears.
I am learning that it is a process and that maybe these people who hurt me, were actually hurting themselves.
I am learning that its actually important to share my struggles and journey, because I am not alone and who knows who else may be hurting.
I am also learning to be accepting of others, but in order to do so I need to accept myself by believing the truths God has plainly laid before me.
Lastly, I am learning that people, even fellow believers, will fail or hurt me. Why? Because we are ALL sinners.

I am in a season of self reflection and honestly loneliness. I love where we are but making friends and building community is so hard and not coming easily. So I have a lot of free time to think about this and have many opportunities to feed my heart truth.

I am still constantly forgiving and dismissing lies. But I am not in bondage of those lies anymore.

I may be worn and a little hurt, but man MY God is a healer and He is healing my soul. God is good.

"For God has said: I will never fail you and never abandon you." Hebrews 13:5

Freedom.

A few weeks ago someone said to me "It's going to be ok. When you get over this (loosing my arm) you will go through something else and this (loosing my arm) will be not as big of a deal."

I was left standing in complete silence.
Anger brewed and there satan had control.

How am I ever going to get over loosing my arm? When will I ever think "Oh man, having only one arm is SO easy! I never struggle anymore." I won't. I know that for a fact.

A few days later I was in Target and the stares dug deep in my soul. I saw a mom turn her child's face away from me afraid of what would happen or be said if that child saw me. I died inside. Do I really look that scary?

The next day I was getting ready and I just couldn't button my pants. No matter how hard I tried. Then I was heating up left overs and dropped them all because it was too awkward to hold with one hand. I cried a little bit. But, I sucked it up and moved on.

Last Thursday Jason was driving me to work. We were in the far left lane. The concrete wall was on one side and a car on the other. The car beside me went halfway in our lane causing Jason to swerve only inches from the wall. The lady in the car was so close to us if both of our windows were down I could have easily touched her nose. She then realized, went back to her lane, and looked (with no emotions) continuing to drive.
I went in full blown anxiety attack.
I started to hyperventilate, my heart was RACING, and I screamed so loud.
I started sobbing. Like HARD sobs. Painful sobs.(I literally have not cried that hard since I had to have my stitches removed from my arm.)
I let it out.
I released pain I had been bottling up for a few weeks and just the painful reality that it will never go away.
I looked at Jason and sat in silence, shaking, and we just were in shock.
Because if you were there you would be in agreement that there is no other reason but God intervening that we didn't get into a horrible wreck.

I went into work and cried, but it wasn't until I sat in my classroom while the kids were napping that I really processed it.

I saw her face, and then I flashed back to the man that caused my whole wreck.
I felt the hopelessness and fear. Huge amounts of fear.

At the perfect timing my playlist played "No longer Slaves" By Bethel Music

And there truth reminded me of who I am.

"I am NO longer a slave to fear, because I AM A CHILD OF GOD."

I am HIS precious child and yet I have chosen to be slave to fear. Why? Why would I let satan have that hold on me?

"All my fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could stand and sing. I am a child of God."

 I cried and prayed in my classroom of 7 sleeping children. I am so thankful that despite my selfish ways, God is there, He assures me, and kindly reminds me that He dealt with my fears so there is absolutely no reason why I should be in bondage. I have to surrender and give it to Him. He has dealt with my fears MANY MANY years ago.

How freeing is that?

After, I realized what that person was trying to say. They weren't meaning that I would "get over" something so awful as loosing my arm, but they were meaning that as His child I have Him walking me through this trial and the next trial I go through will be easier because what I have already been through.

I love how truth really does set you free.
He really gives freedom.

Freedom in your thoughts. (Fear can turn into anger and bitterness.)
Freedom in what people say. (Not hearing what you want but hearing what is said.)
FREEDOM IN FEAR.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have receive the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!""
Romans 8:15

I remembered.

There are so many things going on in my head right now. 

I have been waiting till I can put my emotions into words and about 10 minutes ago I knew I was ready to write.

About a month after Jason and I got married, quite a few things happened. One of them being my car dying. He has ever-so kindly taken me to work and picked me up almost everyday. Although I have greatly appreciated it, it has also been so hard. It has brought me to the days of depending on everyone around me right after my accident. It has made me feel that hopelessness and burden I felt like I was.  

I have grieved about those feelings, because I realized I never had. I would sit for hours and just think about the pain that I had never felt. I have prayed like never before. Hours of prayer and conversation.

Jason has a F-150. I have been so scared to attempt driving it. There are a few quirks and I have been scared. He offered to go practice and I would put it off. 

I honestly think now that God was preparing my heart. 

A few weeks ago I made up my mind it was time. 

I got in the car and drove. I got on the road, I was fine. 

Then, I made a turn and for the first time EVER I remembered. 

I began to sob uncontrollably and I pulled over and sat barely able to breathe. 

I have never been able to remember the feelings or even have flashbacks of what happened after I swerved my car from hitting on coming traffic, until now. 

I saw the guardrail, that changed everything. 

I felt my car turning without anyway to control it. 

I felt the whiplash.

I felt the pain and the certainty I was going to die.

I felt utter hopelessness. 

Jason stood there in the pouring rain holding me so tight for a solid 15 minutes until I could control myself. 

I feel like I have literally gone through it all over again.

Just over 3 years after my life changing I am just now seeing what happened. 

It is so hard to wrap my head around. 

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. 

The pain in my body has been unbearable at times. 

Last Sunday I sat in Church while my arm twitched, burned, moved uncontrollably, and I sat there trying to hold back the tears but they started anyway. I had to get up and just pace in the hallway to distract my mind hoping at least some of the pain would go away. A hour later it finally started to die down.  The emotional struggle when that is going on is so big and so painful. It literally drains me. 

Monday morning I woke up. I knew I was in DESPERATE need of strength. Not physical but spiritual strength. 

I remembered a verse a friend had sent me weeks prior and just knew it was EXACTLY for this moment.  

Psalm 143:7-8

Answer me quickly, O Lord, my spirit fails;

Do not hide Your face from me,

Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.

Let me hear Your loving kindness in the morning;

For I trust in You;

Teach me the way in which I should walk;

For to You I life up my soul.

I (again) realized this is a process. 

A journey. 

I am never going to wake up and have two arms again. 

Life is always going to be hard and there are always things I will have to grieve over. 

But God. 

He knows. He knows pain, grief, and gives strength before we even know we need it. (Which is ALL the time.) 

I am so grateful for the gift of His word. 

I am not going to say that it makes it easier, because that's a lie. 

What I will say is that because of His truth I know there is purpose. In the pain or the best days of our lives. 

This past week has been richer, and even more precious. 

Everyday when we ride over that bridge and I see the place that has caused SO much pain, I see a purpose. 

A forever changed me. 

A lost arm, but a gained perspective into the goodness and love of The Father. 

God is good. 

Excuses.

I'm sitting here staring at this blank screen with so many questions, thoughts, and emotions. 

Yet, I don't really know what to write. I don't at all what to sound like I am complaining but my heart really needs to vent.

So, I am just going to start typing, lay it all out there, and hopefully it will make sense. 

I am so exhausted. From many things really. 

So many things going on at once. My heart aches for rest. 

I find myself sitting in silence just wondering what is God doing. 

Wondering why in whats supposed to be a fun/new time are so many hard things happening. 

I started getting sick on our honeymoon. We thought oh its just blood sugar stuff. It keeps getting worse. I am constantly not feeling well. I have been to emergency rooms, and many doctors appointments. I have missed work several times. We know of many things it isn't but not sure what exactly it is. All we know something is wrong with my stomach or colon, along with a few other little things.

On top of all that Jason's car had to be fixed, and my car now needs to have repairs.

Jason has had kidney stones. And my meme passed away. 

I sit here so discouraged and wondering why all these other newly married couples have perfect lives. (They don't, by the way.)

I want this so called "BLISS" where everything is happy. 

There are is a problem with that.

I am totally being foolish and believing a lie. 

Lies are so easy to believe. Especially when society portrays false realities. Expectation of perfection is just natural. At least for me. (These are all excuses in case you were wondering.) 

Which is so incredibly dumb. Are we perfect? NO! Can we ever reach perfection? NO! So why do I think I have this entitlement to be perfect or have a perfect life? Because if I am going to be straight up honest, my trust isn't in my Creator it is in myself and I am afraid of what could come. I fail miserably every day yet God chooses to love me and thankfully reminds me of truth. 

But now, this is what the Lord says—

    he who created you, Jacob,

    he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 

When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

    they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

    you will not be burned;

    the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:1-3a

I think for so long I literally thought when God is with you nothing can happen (You would have thought I could have learned by now.) That isn't what He is saying at all. Our hearts are His. Our souls can't be touched if they belong to Christ. We will go through many things, but it can't and won't hurt us. 

No matter what happens on earth nothing can harm our souls. Not even death. I should be afraid of NOTHING. At. ALL.

I am striving to have a faith that is so radiant. I am longing for a soul that shines so bright people are drawn to. 

BUT None, of that will happen if I don't choose to surrender. And know that yeah this is hard and kinda sucks sometimes, but what can harm me? 

I have the Lord, Holy one, Savior, on MY side. MY SIDE.  

SO. COOL. 

God is so good, and I am so grateful for truth that does truly give me rest. 

I felt it.

It really is the funniest thing.

You know how you say "God is good, even in the hard times!"
And you may even post it in a blog or something.
Stating a hypothetical situation of making, maybe PB&J?

Then it happened.
It was last week.
We were making tacos.
The reality and list of how much help I really need grew. LONG.
The emotions were stirring.

I can't cut the frozen meat. I couldn't open the salsa. I couldn't cut the avocado. And other things, but you get the point.

Then, I did something so unhealthy. I stuffed it. I stuffed my emotions and didn't acknowledge the anger boiling inside me.

Next day. I couldn't put a ponytail in one of the kids in my class hair. It took me 5 minutes to open 1 string cheese. I broke 2 diapers. And the little obstacles got bigger and bigger.

That night I got in bed, and Jason said something and I just broke into pieces. I began to sob. Hard sobs.

Confessing all these emotions and frustrations. Of why can't I just be done going through this? It truly is the hardest thing not to be angry knowing I can't and NEVER will I be able to do things. Yeah, Yeah, I can have tools that help me, but accepting the harsh reality is so hard in a new situation that it won't ever be "normal". It truly is a daily battle.

In the midst of it all, Jason held me.
It was the most vulnerable I think I have ever felt. The pain felt so strong. I felt, and told Jason, that I felt like I failed him, ALREADY.

He just began to speak truth. Holding me and telling me its wrong to think that way, and that he it doesn't even bother him at all. Jason then said that he married me for me, not for the things I can or can't do. And that he loves me more than I will ever know. (And way more but that is the main stuff!)

Those simple truths. They gave me such a picture of Christ that it just makes me cry thinking about it.
When we cry, complain, and vent to our Father, He holds us, speaks truth, loves us despite our imperfections, and loves us more than we will ever know.
I count is as a HUGE blessing to have a husband that loves me THROUGH Christ. And I know that because I felt that in such a real, and raw way.

These three weeks have been the best three weeks of my life. Jason is the greatest gift I have ever received and I am so grateful God saw fit for me to be Jason's wife.

I am also grateful for NEW seasons. It's truly hard to experience new struggles and new emotions. And to be honest I just think it gets harder. But on the flip side. I love the fact that God chooses to give us these feelings to teach us to rely, surrender, and to love HIM with our heart not just our mouth. I just love how He gives me so many opportunities to live out the truth that I say I believe. I fail a lot, but I love the things He is teaching me. It really gives me pure joy.  I am so proud to be a daughter of the KING.

God is truly good.

One week left a Miss.

It's all surreal.

Everyone said it would go by fast but I didn't realize that meant in a blink of an eye.
It's really the craziest thing.

I can't even begin to explain all the emotions that have gone in my head.
I have excitement, joy, fear, anxiousness, nervousness, happiness, and many more all at the same time.

But it's like when you are hit with such exciting new things satan tries to steal it. And I'll be honest it's been hard to not give it to him.

I am so elated to be a wife. To make dinner, see him in the morning, kiss him goodnight, clean "our" place, and do "wifey" things.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am.
But I am also so nervous and scared. I still don't know all of what I can and cannot do. And I know it's never bothered Jason but I just feel bad life won't be normal.

It is so hard to not dwell in grief.
I have to lay it down EVERYDAY.
I have to process daily still (and honestly I probably always will) that life will never be the same.

Now, I am not just taking care of myself. In a week, I will have a new role.
And to be honest, it's so hard not to think of those little things. Like the fact that I can't even make a PB&J sandwich for my husband because I can't hold the bread down while I spread it. And that is just one of the simplest things.

Then, (of course), I had to go and read Job.

Job 1:20-22

Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said,“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,And naked I shall return there.The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.

Wow! (Man, that slap in the face hurt!)

So, I am sitting there and all I could do was sob.
I was being so selfish. Look at what God has done.
Yes, my arm is gone.
Yes, I am always in pain.
Yes, my life will never be the same and it sucks sometimes.

BUT GOD!!!!!!

He gave me LIFE, JOY, and PEACE.
He has given me a job, that I get loved on by little kids.
A family who loves me.

And lastly, He gave me Jason. A man who loves God so much it pours out. A man who is so kind and accepting of EVERY person he meets.  A man who in the worst moments of my life tried everything in his power to accommodate and make me feel "normal". A man who literally loves me in such a way that makes me feel beautiful and worth the world. He is so amazing, and I am SO lucky I get to call him mine. (Goodness, it makes me cry just thinking about it:D)

WOW! I really love that God choses to give us His word. I don't deserve it. Like, at all.
But instead, He gives me hope. That you know, I don't understand. And quite frankly I know it will be hard.
But every day I choose to say and surrender to believe "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

God is good. SO good.

P.S. I am getting married in one week. ONE WEEK!!!!!
P.S.S. I seriously can't contain this excitement!!!
P.S.S.S. ANDDDDDD Jason is taking me to disney. DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!! :)

Yes, to the rest of my life.

January 1, 2015 I said YES to marrying my best friend, Jason. He rang the door bell with a rose in hand (looking SO handsome I might add) with my parents, brothers, grandparents, great-grandmother, two best friends, his parents and his grandparents all there surprising me. I was in SHOCK.
BEST. DAY. EVER. (And oh my the ring is gorgeous!!!)

I know that every girl says they are the luckiest but, I really am. I can't imagine spending my life with  any one else. Jason is the most selfless, caring, compassionate person I have met. He is patient and kind. He always listens and always loves. He has been such a great example of Christ in my life. He loves me even when I am hard to love. He encourages me to pursue my dreams and to always choose the path God wants, even if that means going to mission trips for 1 1/2 months. He is truly amazing. I am just so in love with him and I can't wait to start our life together.

With all of that being said, I wasn't prepared for the emotions I have felt and am feeling on this journey. I just am all over the place with Joy, happiness, excitement, anxiousness, peace and grief/sadness. I am realizing in the truest form that the "dreams" I have planned my whole life for my wedding day are gone. And even though it is such an exciting time, it is hard to not just cry because life isn't what I was planning for it to be.

As a little girl I planned my wedding in every detail. I loved the idea of a fairytale ending. I had pretty much decided that no matter what I would do 3 things for my wedding.
1. Carry a big beautiful bouquet of flowers. (I LOVE flowers!)
2. Wear a beautiful long sleeve wedding dress.
3. Go to Disney for my honeymoon.
I'm serious. Since like at least 10 years old that has been my dream.

I have had to come to realization that only one of those things can happen. I can't carry flowers and hold my dad's arm with just one hand and I can't wear a long sleeve dress with only one arm.
It is hard. It may seem silly to you but this was my dream, my happy ending, and I felt like all over again it was just shattered and ripped away. I didn't want to face it.

5 days after Jason and I got engaged my mom texted me while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go look at dresses. I replied yes. But in my heart I truly did not want to face my emotions. I pulled in and my heart was sinking. We walked in. I was bitter. As I looked through those dresses thoughts in my head of "This isn't fair." "Why couldn't I just look normal." "I am no longer going to look beautiful like I always pictured."
I broke.
I sobbed and sobbed.
My mom held me for several minutes. And as she was crying she began to comfort me saying that I was going to be beautiful. More beautiful. And that God had the perfect dress for me.
Honestly, I wanted to believe her, but I couldn't.
So I got myself together and began to put dresses into the dressing room.
I put on the first dress and I came out. My mom cried.
I loved it. I felt pretty. Which was confusing because it wasn't what I always dreamed of. Actually it was NOTHING like it.
I wanted to try on more. I tried on 4 more. All similar to one that I always had dreamt of in some way or another.
I knew. I needed to put on that first one again.
I was pretty serious the whole time I put on all those dresses until I stepped out again in that first dress.
I saw myself.
I felt beautiful.
I saw my scars and thought they were beautiful for the first time ever.
I saw myself as a bride.
I felt the joy of Christ overwhelm me and I sobbed.
My mom was right, God knew. He knew when I was 10 and gave me dreams that one day He was going to teach me that His dreams for me are WAY better. He had picked my dress well before I even planned my dreams.

He used a silly wedding dress to once again remind me how just awesome He is. And how just amazing it is that the dress was no where near what I pictured. I love that. It is so a reflection of just life. God's plan is not ever what we think it is, which is just great because it ends up being WAY better.

I could go on and on of just how God has worked in my life and in Jason and I's upcoming wedding.
I just am so incredibly thankful.
All I can say is God is SO good.

All sorts of pain.

"I stood looking at myself for at least ten minutes. And then I looked away. From deep within me a storm of mourning brewed and broke forth. A dark, dangerous funnel cloud seemed to hit the ground. As I climbed into the shower, the storm hit, and the rain fell around me. I grabbed a shampoo bottle, just trying to move past the grief I was feeling right then, I guess. But I couldn't open it with only one hand. The shampoo bottle fell from my grasp, and I stood for a moment, utterly ruined. Then I crumpled to the floor of the shower and sobbed." Still Lolo by Lauren Scruggs

A few days ago this EXACT thing happened.

I woke up, and I had forgotten. I know that sounds crazy and absurd, but it's true.
For a moment, there was no pain.
But, when I was going to get up out of bed, it hit like a ton of bricks. Like, it was almost like it happened all over again.
I felt all sorts of pain. Emotional. Mental. And most definitely Physical. Surges through my body reminding me that this is and will always be my journey.
I tried to move past it but I broke, just like Lauren, in the shower.

I began to hear : "Ewws", "You look like a freak!", and "You look so weird!"
Lies from satan told to me by strangers.
It took everything in me to not believe them. And If I am honest with you, I did.

The struggle of getting ready that day was more intense than normal.
My heart was aching of pain.

Later that day, I was expressing my struggles to someone when they said "You still struggle with all of that? Hasn't it been 2 years?" I wanted to just yell: "Of course! Do you know what it is like living 19 years one way with dreams and goals and suddenly everything changed in an instant? It is not something you get used to. What once was will never be because I am not the same!"

I got it. In all the anger in that moment God shed light in my heart.
I am not the same.
I am learning what it is like to have joy when truthfully this sucks.
I am learning to surrender because that is the ONLY way I will have strength to get through.
I am learning that God made me beautiful, and because He knew every moment of my life before conception THIS is being made beautiful.
I am learning that God is more real than me or you. If He wasn't I couldn't get through each day.

I am just so in awe how Christ is there in ALL times.
You hear that God will rescue you when you need to be saved but really He already has.
He has rescued us, opened His arms, and He has been listening to our broken hearts this whole time.

The idea of being a Christian is easy is a lie.
It's hard and it sucks sometimes but the difference is, I have HOPE. When all the pain, junk, trials, you name it is over, I have purpose. Because Christ suffered for that purpose. He chose the pain. Honestly, I don't know if I would choose the pain. That is why I am proud to be a daughter of the King because He chose a painful, horrible, terrible, miserable death FOR ME.
That is hope!
That is why I can get up and go on.
Knowing I have a purpose.

God is good, in all sorts of pain.

All too real.

I don't even know what to think or even feel right now.
All I know is the pain is heavy and it is more real than it has ever been.

3 weeks and 2 days will mark the 2 year date since I lost my arm.
Since my whole life was turned upside down.
I honestly know the only way I can get through these next few weeks is God.

My heart hurts.
Reality hitting me hard in the face. I can't ignore it. I have to face it.
I'm not ready.

Last year, we celebrated. Spent the day in celebration that I had life. That was exactly what I needed. I needed to be encouraged, because little did I know the second year was going to be 100 times harder.
The first year I conquered. The second year I had to learn to breathe.
I have had to learn that life isn't going to go back to normal.
Can I be honest with you? It is so hard to get through the day.
Not that I thought I was going to get my arm back or anything, but I can truly say I was hoping I would wake-up. Wake-up from this dream that I didn't plan.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but that isn't true.
My heart aches. SO much.
I truly cry out so many nights in desperate need for God's embrace.  I can not do it. I can NOT do anything without asking for God's strength.

When I am at work and get frustrated because I have to change 7 kids diapers with 1 arm, I have to pray. THE WHOLE TIME. When I am opening a bottle I have to put it in between my legs, and I get upset because I keep dropping the bottle. I have to pray. When I have to hold my hair clip in my mouth as I twist my hair and push my head up against the wall and my hair keeps falling down, and I cry in frustration. I HAVE to pray. I have no other choice.

And that's ok. It's ok to be upset sometimes. I am learning that. I am learning that it is truly ok to cry. In fact it's healthy to.

I am learning that even though I do not understand this new life God has for me. It is ok. Because He is there. He is good.

He chose this for me. I choose not to dwell on the pain, but feel it and give it to Him. Surrender. It is hard to do but that is the only way to get through.
I can't move on from loosing an arm. I am reminded in EVERYTHING I do that it is gone. But what I can do is pray and give it to God knowing He can turn this horrific thing into beauty.

That's what  I am holding on to, because right now it feels like it is too much.

Hope.

It is hard to even put in words what I have seen, experienced and felt this summer.

A month and a half journey with Joni and Friends certainly can change your life.

I started off in Sterling, Virginia and my heart was blessed from the start. I went on an internship with Joni and Friends and met 9 other awesome ladies who wanted to get to know the world of disability a little better. We went through countless training sessions and in the end got to work at two awesome places, one with Mclean Bible Church and the other Jill's House. My personal favorite was Jill's house, partly because I spent more time there. Jill's House is a place that provides respite (rest) to parents who have children affected by all disabilities. We got to assist with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) and really engage with the children to help their future grow. It was so rewarding, yet also really difficult. It was draining and physically exhausting trying to do things with one arm. I think the most difficult part of it all was it was another reality that although I don't have a cognitive or intellectual disability, I still have a disability. It felt like it hit hard every day I walked through that door. But on the flip side, I felt like I had a connection, that no other person had. I can't relate to their lives really, but I can relate to feeling different. I felt so privileged to be there. It has become one of my favorite places. I got to see children succeed, and that made it all worth it. I made so many friends and I was so sad to have to leave early, but so excited as well for the next adventure God had for me. China. Oh, how I fell in love. From the moment I got off the plane I felt safe, like I had been there my whole life. I knew God brought me here for a reason. In China, we got to team up with some awesome people and had a wonderful team. We held an IFR (International Family Retreat) and hosted families of children affected by disabilities. I got to Co-lead the story center and also had the awesome opportunity to talk to the parents. The theme was Hope Overflowing. How appropriate. These families have it hard, and they have it even harder because they have no hope. I got to share my story with the children and the parents. That was an experience I will most certainly never forget. I was asked questions like: "Can God save me? Can you or God heal my child? Will God grow your arm back?" It was so humbling talking to those mothers who just have it so rough and are just searching. I just felt so overwhelmed with the burden to share HOPE! Hope that can change, heal, and give peace to get through each difficult day. I didn't want to leave.
I have a passion and it is ignited. The world of disability is in desperate need of HOPE and grace. A world where people are shunned for things that can't be controlled, but God. He gives hope.
God didn't just take my arm and change my world for nothing.
He chose this, for me, and I may not understand it ever. But, what I do know is, I know for a fact that He has called me to be His servant. To love the broken. To share what only God can do.

It is crazy to thing that my accident happened less than 2 years ago. He has brought me so far.
I can't wait to see where He takes me next.

Thank you Joni and Friends. You truly have blessed my life.

"Here am I, Lord send Me!"Is. 6:8

P.S. Here are a few pics to enjoy! :)
 

  

A few pics from my internship!

My team in China.

This guy right here, is AWESOME! His HOPE radiates!

This might be my favorite! He yelled "Ellie" ALL DAY LONG and HAD to hold my hand!! :)

Man, God is SO good! 

In Your hands.

When I am in the car driving I like to take advantage of being alone.
A chance to talk out loud to God by either prayer or just jamming out to Air1.

So, like every other Sunday I got in my car to go to church and cranked up the music. I was singing loudly as always and not really paying attention to what I was actually saying.
Then a song that I hear daily came on called Lift My Life Up by Unspoken. I started singing then all of the sudden I couldn't. I started to truly listen to what I was saying.

"I lift my life, lift my life up. I give it all in surrender. 

I lift my heart, lift my heart up. You can have it forever, 

All my dreams, all my plans, Lord I leave it in your hands."

I stopped. I couldn't say it. 

I thought to myself: "How can I sing this, if I don't believe it? Do I really want to give it ALL? Forever? No. I do not."

The world is scary. No matter what I do, the future is not what I plan. 

So, I can give most of it, but let me hold on to a small part. That way if it doesn't go how I want it to, I can somehow have control. Because I never fully gave it to You anyway. 

Foolish.

Selfish.

My flesh was on fire. God quickly cooled me and reminded me of truth. 

Yeah, this is a scary world but it was designed by a God who already knows my future. So how dumb is it for me to think my ways are better when I could let it all go and hold my Creators hand, the one who holds my life. 

That's why we surrender. The daily battles are no worries, if He is on our side. 

No matter the outcome, He is victorious. He's already won before it even started. 

What's even cooler is that despite how selfish I am, He loves me. He chose me. 

My failures humble me more each day to know God loves me. Because honestly y'all I am wicked. 

But God. 

He chose to redeem. He chose/chooses to turn my failures into realizations of how awesome He is. 

I am glad all my dreams and all my plans are in His hands because I wouldn't of chose this life. This life, this journey, has made me realize He is enough. No matter what happens, if I am willing to let go, it will be smooth sails in a storm because He is guiding me. 

Clearly, I still fail, BAD. But as I am learning, Surrender is key. 

When I surrender, He fights my battles and is everything I will ever need. 

"I give it all in Surrender. All my dreams, all my plans, Lord I leave it in your hands."

What's there to fear, I mean God's already won. 

Right? 

God is good y'all. 

Chronicles 20:17

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take your positions: stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out and face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

Words can't describe my excitement!!!!!

First off, I just want to say WOW!!

God is really amazing. In 1 day it will be 1 1/2 years since my accident.
As I sit and think about my journey I can't help but brag on my Father.

I have been able to learn how to live life with one arm, drive, go to school, work a real job, speak several places, go to Africa, and gain more confidence in myself than I ever have had all in that short time.
I mean seriously if you say God can't do amazing things, I am proof. Because NONE of that was me.

There are hard days, don't get me wrong, but that seriously doesn't matter because I know and have extreme confidence in the fact that God , The King of Kings, is with me. Always, and NEVER will He leave me.

The past month has been so exciting. Through lots of prayer and time in God's word, I have some awesome opportunities/adventures ahead. AND I CAN NOW TELL YOU! :)

As you all know I had the chance to go to Ghana last October with Joni and Friends. It was life-changing. It was not the easiest trip but that trip changed me in deeper ways than I could explain.

And now, I have the awesome opportunity to go to China this summer.
WHAT?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?
But, not only that I get to also go on a 4 1/2 week internship with Joni and Friends.

I really wish you could know how stoked I am!

Now, Let me tell you a little but more info concerning these opportunities.

June 13, I will leave for Virginia to begin the Internship. I will be trained by top leaders and educators on disability ministry. Then I will get the chance to work hands on with local ministries to put what I have learned into practice. Lastly, I will learn how to bring all that I will learn back to help my local community. So Cool, right?
On July 14th I will fly straight from Virginia to China!
In China, we will do an International Family Retreat while partnering with Joni and Friends and another organization. We will be sharing the love and hope that come from Christ. I hope to encourage parents, as well as children, in their different journeys of disability.
Then I will come home July 24. (I will be gone a total of 6 weeks.)

Guys, I am so excited. This is my passion.
Sharing the greatness of Christ.  Encouraging the broken hearted.  Loving the lost.

I do have a few prayer requests I would like to share.

1. I do have to raise $3000 for my trip to China. I know my God is able and that it is in His hands.
2. 6 weeks is a long time. Pray for my heart as I prepare to leave my family and friends. It will be so hard, but I also know it will be so worth it.
3. Pray for me. Pray I will be able to gain as much knowledge as I can, but also learn how to actually use what I have learned. Pray also that God would just speak through me with every person I encounter. It is my prayer that the lost we will encounter will see and receive Christ. Pray also, that I will have strength and little phantom pain.

And, If by prayer, you feel God is saying to give. You can go online if you go to this link:

http://joniandfriends.org/support
Last Name: Passons
Account Number: 52D824
Click on International Family Retreat - China 2

or by check

Joni and Friends
ATTN: IFR China 2 2014 (Passons)
P.O. Box 3333
Agoura Hills, CA 91376

But really guys, I need prayer. My teams needs prayer.
Thank you for already the support that you give me daily.
I know I say this all the time but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
The encouragement you give helps me day by day.
How wonderful is it to be surrounded by the body of Christ in such a beautiful way.

Well, God sure is good. I am so excited about the plans God has. I know His are way better than mine.

Acts 1:8b
"And you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the earth."

Isaiah 6:8
"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here and I. Send me!"

Never once did I feel what I felt.

I did it. I just went for it.

On my way to work on Monday I took a wrong turn. So naturally my GPS redirected my path and before I realized it. 

I was there. 

The place that took my life away and gained a remarkable new one all in an instant.

1 year and 5 months later. 

When it hit me that I was about to be there I knew it was time and there was no turning back. 

I have rode by there 3 times but this was the first time I was driving and I was alone.

Never once did I feel what I felt, and it never phased me till Monday. 

I saw the railroad tracks and I broke. 

I began to see myself : A carefree girl driving, singing loudly, and then BAM. 

I saw it.

I saw myself swerve, and flipping. 

I saw myself lose that life I once knew. 

I was shaking, sobbing, and fear overtook my body. 

It was painful and it almost was like it happened all over again.

Crying out, in honestly a broken heart, I felt God take hold of me and this came on the radio.

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Lord, you never let go of me

I'm not going to sit here and say the pain left my body because it didn't.

Honestly, I cried for 2 hours straight replaying it back in my head. 

But what I did know and had full confidence in is that God never let go. Never. He was there the day before, during, and He is right now. 

All I can do is trust. I know that although this journey painful still to this day has made me experience things I would not of.  Through the moments of desperation God strengthens me, reminding me He endured so much greater and He truly knows. I am trusting God for what is to come.

I know that without Him I wouldn't be here, and that's proof enough He is real and in control.

My God is good, and gives me hope, peace, and joy. For that, I will be forever grateful. Even in the pain and trials.

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in Me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!

Painful realities.

When I thought it could not get harder, another battle began.

One that I was no where prepared for or even thought of. 

I was starting to have nightmares. 

No longer was my life a ride of little worries, but rather reality. 

I wasn't as carefree, but I had pain. 

I woke up sobbing. My heart hurt, my body ached, and my "arm" had pains indescribable.  

For the first time I dreamed reality. A life with one arm. 

I tried so hard to go back to sleep but the harsh realization that I could not even dream like I was normal was like a knife in my soul. 

Night after night I would wake up heartbroken. 

Dreams were my escape and now they just remind me of what I don't have. 

I cried out in desperation. 

My heart so heavy, just needed to be held by my Father. 

I prayed and prayed just asking God why? Like, I really do not understand sometimes how so much pain can be for good. God, why me? 

I didn't hear the answer I wanted. 

"Ellie, there does not have to be a reason. I caused it for good, and good shall come. Now, do you trust Me or not?"

(sigh) 

(ouch)

Pain just surged into my body and I had a choice. 

Trust or Selfishly whine inside. 

I literally sat there in silence realizing that I needed to get my act together. 

Just because I have non-stop pain in my "arm" or my body is tired gives me no right to complain. Because for me, when I complain, I stray. My focus becomes on me and what I don't have as apposed to all that He has given. Life, love, and a special journey that although hard and painful it is all so beautiful at the same time. 

I don't know why things happen. But I am glad I don't because that is the beauty of my relationship with Christ. I get to experience it. The beauty of suffering. If I knew why, it would just be like living an already told story. I wouldn't actually understand how crucial it is to really know that God is life. I wouldn't be able to comprehend that without the joy and peace He gives I would not be satisfied. 

Painful realities are a blessing. 

They are an opportunity to choose Christ in the midst of chaos. 

For that I am so thankful.

Father, among us, keep us in Your arms

There is evil all around us and we're trying to hold on

Just to know that You're still good

And that Your love is alive

Oh, let us cling to Jesus and sing tonight

Break me, to bind me

You hurt me, Lord, to heal me

You cut me, to touch me

You died, to revive me

You do all things, You do all things

You do all things well

Tenth Avenue North "You do all things well"

God is good.

An Overwhelmed Soul.

Sleepless nights, wandering thoughts, and questions upon questions sums up the last two months of my life.

It's almost like it has hit me all over again. 

The loss, the pain, the struggle, the grief, and just pure hopelessness.

I remember waking up September 27th (A year and one day after my accident) thinking "OK, is it over yet? Can I just have it back?" I just laid there in silence trying to understand these permanent scars. And to be honest, I couldn't.

But, I didn't let that distract me. Besides I was about to go to Africa and I was so excited.

The day finally came. 

Trial after trial took place on this trip. 

My flight was canceled. I had to travel alone. I almost couldn't get on any of my flights. I had a 2 hour stand down. I got sick the first day. It was so hard for me to eat. I was in pain. I couldn't sleep. And many other things.

But goodness was I blessed and learned a lot more than ever imagined. 

In the frustrations of "Why isn't this going how I planned?" 

God painted the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.

I fell in love with all of the kids but there was one boy that I fell madly in love with. 

His name is Timothy. He had has 18th birthday during the retreat and he has hydrocephalus.

His eyes are beautiful and his heart is sweet. He can't talk much and he can't walk. He can move his arm but that's about it. He has a tiny smile that I can't even describe how much it touches you. 

His mother is so kind but so tired and worn out. She is the only one he has. She is aging fast, yet she is so beautiful. She radiates a contagious beauty. 

One morning we were all worshipping and they were singing "He is able, God is Able." I was just admiring all these families when I see Timothy's mother start to sob. You could see her pain. She was crying out in desperation and my heart just broke. I saw the struggles in her eyes, then the most precious thing happened. Timothy lifted his hand up and started playing with her hair and smiled the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. You could see Timothy's mother whole demeanor change and just look at her son. She knew they were going to be OK. Her face showed joy and she stood up and continued to worship with her hands held high singing and knowing "God is able."  

I was crying just in awe. God showed me the perfect picture of joy in suffering. He is "playing with our hair" when we break down. He IS able. He is there, even if we are overwhelmed. 

God IS able. This isn't my plan it is purely HIS.

Ever since I have gotten home I have been relaying that scene in my head. The beauty of suffering.

How amazing is it that in the pain there is beauty? 

It's not the world's standard of beauty it's a beauty unexplainable.
A tiny light in the darkness that even though may be small seems to radiate so much space.

My soul is overwhelmed. 

In the past two months I have felt pain that I have never experienced. I have seen things indescribable. 

I have struggled with lies from satan and I have seen God in remarkable ways.

I am learning that no matter what , even if I am overwhelmed and if I just need to cry, He hears me. 

Some days are just plain hard and that's OK. Because I am so confident in the fact that He is able. 

God is able. 

Romans 8:26
In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words.

(Here are a few pictures from my trip!!)

         

 

It was planned all along.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my accident. (September 26th)

It is so crazy to think it has already been this long. 

I remember exactly what I wore that day, how beautiful the weather was, and how frustrated I was with my teacher. 

Then, BAM, my life was changed forever.

So many emotions flooding my head. It is a day of grief for what was lost, but also a day of joy for what was given, life. 

Sometimes I have asked God, Why? 

Why did you choose me for this? I am too weak, why did you give me such a challenging battle? 

Why did my life have to change so dramatically that it would affect me every day for the rest of my life?

To be honest, I may not ever know. 

Today while I was working out a song came on my play list that I love and listen to a lot. Today though, It had a whole new meaning.

It then hit me, that this wasn't unplanned.
God has been preparing my whole life for this.
It had already been written down in His story.
He has given me the strength to go through this, putting me through trials before this even took place.
He put hard people in my life, such as my teacher, to make fun of or criticize me in public to prepare me for this.

He has been there every step of the way, even the ones I didn't know I was taking that would prepare me for the rest of my life.

Isn't that just awesome!?

I really do just love this song!
My favorite lyrics in the song are :

Kneeling on this battleground 

Seeing just how much you've done

Knowing every victory 

Is Your power in us.

Amen!

I look back at this year, and WOW! God has done great things!!

I should be dead, but He saved me.
He gave me patience to learn how to get dressed, fix my hair, and put on my make-up.
He gave me strength to get up each day and not look back.
He has given me peace when my phantom pains seemed unbearable.
He provided a car, and He gave me peace to get back on the road.

I mean really I could go on and on.
He did all of that. For me.
How can I not have joy?

I know this may sound crazy, but this has been the best year of my life.

I have learned so much about God.
I have learned and experienced that God says I am beautiful no matter what, I am enough, that I have peace, joy, and strength to get through each day  and I can do whatever I set my mind to! (Even if people say I can't!!)

I have learned that God has called me to be His servant. To love and embrace others with the mercy and grace Christ has shown me.

Lastly,
I know God chose me for a reason. Why? Because He has given me hope, and He is faithful.

God is so good!!!!

Thank you for being there for me moment one. I love each of you! Many blessings! :)

Jehovah-Jireh

I sit here so undeserving, but so thankful.
My God has provided ALL that I need for my trip. Paid in full.
Not only in funds, but just confirmation after confirmation that is is all a part of His will.


I am so in awe of what God has done.
I am constantly amazed at how He provides for His children, even daughters like me who have little faith. Although excitement has been in the air, my doubtful heart wondered how it would be possible to  raise so much in 2 months. Even though I knew it was God's plan it just seemed so impossible to me.
Day after day He has provided, and day after day God has told me: It is possible.
Tonight, all of my funds were provided in two weeks. As I saw the balance of $0, I heard God say "Ellie, do you really think that I am Jehovah-Jireh/your provider?" Wow!
Oh, how I had to fall to His feet. An undeserving child of the King. Lay my worries at His feet and praise Him! What a loving God we serve that despite our worries, doubts, and little faith; He is there, He provides, and He loves us unconditionally.

My emotions are going crazy.
I am so excited about this trip. I can't wait to meet the people, experience a new culture, and share the awesome love Christ has given me.
I am also uncertain of what is to come. I do not know how my arm will be on the plane and there. As my phantom pain is getting worse, and I pray it will not hinder my time there.
Lastly, I am remembering. September 26th is vastly approaching. Honestly, my heart is grieving. Accepting a no longer normal life with constant stares, challenges, and pain. I am trying to remember the life He gave to me. The strength He has given to conquer each hurdle. The love He has shown by holding me in His arms. Lastly, the peace and joy that has gotten me through each day. And I know He will continue to do these things.

So much going on, but so much praise to Him who is Lord.

I want to just thank you so much.
Another thing that God has shown me, is that I have so many people supporting me.
Y'all I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.
Thank you.

God is so good.


Jehovah-Jireh= The Lord who provides!!

I have exciting News!!!!!!

Hey Guys!

So, instead of my normal blog post I am going to share some exciting news!!

You ready?!

I AM GOING TO GHANA, AFRICA!!!

I am beyond excited to share with you about this trip!!!!

For years and years I have always looked up to the amazing Joni Eareckson Tada. I have always admired her bravery and just strength when life was not picture perfect. So naturally, after my accident she was one of the first people I thought of as inspiration.

A couple months after my accident, I started to have a desire to help people like me. I have had idea after idea of how to go about them all consisting of going overseas. But they never were practical.
So I just decided to wait until God gave me the right opportunity.

About 1 1/2 months ago I was on Facebook and Joni's organization Joni and Friends popped up in my sidebar. I had heard my mom mention something about it one time so I clicked on it. I just started to look around, and then saw a tab for opportunities.  This organization helps countless people with countless disabilities daily. They have numerous trips and camps, after looking at all the ideas. I stumbled upon a trip to Ghana, Africa. Now, this trip is different than the majority of them. This trip is to convey the message that just because they have a disability does NOT mean that they are cursed by God but that Christ has an abundant amount of love for them.

I was instantly hooked.

I was going to just apply right away, but there was a non-refundable deposit. It was almost like God was saying: "Ellie, although this is a great opportunity, pray.  See if this is my will."

After weeks of praying and just little things affirming it, I knew I needed to apply.

I was emailed back Tuesday telling me all the details, and Wednesday I got a phone call. This phone call was one of the coolest things about it so far. While our conversation was going it was just like sentence after sentence it was confirmed, as if I didn't already know that is what God wanted.

Now here is the crazy part!!!!

The trip is October 5-15! Almost 2 months away!

I have to raise $3000 by then, a lot of money, but I know my God is able.

Guys, I can't even begin to convey to you how excited I am!!!

I know that God is going to use this to help me grow, learn, and become more knowing of who He is. I just can't wait to see these little kids faces and just love on them. To be able to connect with so many people on a different level!!

OH I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

I want to ask one thing of you though. PRAY!  PRAY! PRAY! Although I am excited, this is a big step. It will be emotionally and physically demanding. I know my God will help me with my pains and emotions.  Also, pray for the people that we will be ministering to. Pray that we can show them a glimpse of Christ's love, so that they know that it is not a curse to be disabled. THANK YOU!

And

If by prayer you feel led to give.
You can give online if you go to this link:

http://www.joniandfriends.org/support
Last Name: Passons
Account Number: 52D824

Or by check

Joni and Friends

ATTN: IFR Ghana 2013 (Passons)

P.O. Box 3333

Agoura Hills, CA 91376

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!

I am absolutely ecstatic about this trip! I am already in awe of what God has done so far, and I can't wait to see more!!

OH, I JUST LOVE Y'ALL!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!! (Really though, God is awesome!! I can't get over how amazing He is!!)

Also if you have any other questions feel free to contact me at: epassons@yahoo.com

The Honest Truth!

It is almost midnight July 26th. 10 months exactly since the day that changed my life forever.

To be honest, I am tired. I am weary, and worn.
I am so scared for my future and the  things unknown.
Wondering what it will be like to be a mother who can not fully embrace her child,  but only halfway.

Most days, honestly, I have the strength to conquer the world. Then others, I feel as though I am inadequate for anything.

As days go by, the reality of never going back to a "normal" life is heartbreaking.

I hate that I go out in public and I am judged for something I have no control of.

I feel like I am going crazy with these Phantom Pains. They are so strong and so real, sometimes to the point where I cry.

Why did He choose this for me?

People come up to me and say"This is going to be a huge platform" or "You are going through this to touch others."

You want to know The Honest Truth?

I believe Christ honored me with this journey to teach me.

I have been able to look at my life in a whole different light, realizing I have a heart that is in desperate need for my Father. I have a selfish heart that is impatient, harsh, and that needs love.

It is hard to realize that in your mind all along you thought you have fully surrendered, but in your heart you are holding on tight to at least a little bit. This is why I fail.

I am learning that I have to trust and surrender FULLY. Because I can't live this life on my own.

Christ constantly amazes me, even in the little things. The other day I was reading my quiet time, and just really struggling. I started reading Psalms 71 (which is one of my favorite Psalms), and then came across this verse that spoke volume to me:

(Psalm 71:14)       As for me, I will always have hope, I will praise you more and more.

Wow!

I felt this just huge amount of thankfulness. I should be waking up everyday, not just some days, with a grateful attitude. Praising God for my life and saving me with the ultimate sacrifice. That is why we have hope! 

My situation could be a lot worse. I should not even be alive, but God chose to spare me.

I am learning and trying to live this out. It is a battle, let me tell you. 

But why should I be able to whine or complain, when my God chose to die for me in a gruesome death. I shouldn't.

Isn't it awesome that God loves us despite our selfish hearts, I am so blessed. 

(2 Timothy 4:17a)    But the Lord stood by my side, and He gave me strength.

Wow, God is SO good!!