Jehovah-Jireh

I sit here so undeserving, but so thankful.
My God has provided ALL that I need for my trip. Paid in full.
Not only in funds, but just confirmation after confirmation that is is all a part of His will.


I am so in awe of what God has done.
I am constantly amazed at how He provides for His children, even daughters like me who have little faith. Although excitement has been in the air, my doubtful heart wondered how it would be possible to  raise so much in 2 months. Even though I knew it was God's plan it just seemed so impossible to me.
Day after day He has provided, and day after day God has told me: It is possible.
Tonight, all of my funds were provided in two weeks. As I saw the balance of $0, I heard God say "Ellie, do you really think that I am Jehovah-Jireh/your provider?" Wow!
Oh, how I had to fall to His feet. An undeserving child of the King. Lay my worries at His feet and praise Him! What a loving God we serve that despite our worries, doubts, and little faith; He is there, He provides, and He loves us unconditionally.

My emotions are going crazy.
I am so excited about this trip. I can't wait to meet the people, experience a new culture, and share the awesome love Christ has given me.
I am also uncertain of what is to come. I do not know how my arm will be on the plane and there. As my phantom pain is getting worse, and I pray it will not hinder my time there.
Lastly, I am remembering. September 26th is vastly approaching. Honestly, my heart is grieving. Accepting a no longer normal life with constant stares, challenges, and pain. I am trying to remember the life He gave to me. The strength He has given to conquer each hurdle. The love He has shown by holding me in His arms. Lastly, the peace and joy that has gotten me through each day. And I know He will continue to do these things.

So much going on, but so much praise to Him who is Lord.

I want to just thank you so much.
Another thing that God has shown me, is that I have so many people supporting me.
Y'all I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.
Thank you.

God is so good.


Jehovah-Jireh= The Lord who provides!!

I have exciting News!!!!!!

Hey Guys!

So, instead of my normal blog post I am going to share some exciting news!!

You ready?!

I AM GOING TO GHANA, AFRICA!!!

I am beyond excited to share with you about this trip!!!!

For years and years I have always looked up to the amazing Joni Eareckson Tada. I have always admired her bravery and just strength when life was not picture perfect. So naturally, after my accident she was one of the first people I thought of as inspiration.

A couple months after my accident, I started to have a desire to help people like me. I have had idea after idea of how to go about them all consisting of going overseas. But they never were practical.
So I just decided to wait until God gave me the right opportunity.

About 1 1/2 months ago I was on Facebook and Joni's organization Joni and Friends popped up in my sidebar. I had heard my mom mention something about it one time so I clicked on it. I just started to look around, and then saw a tab for opportunities.  This organization helps countless people with countless disabilities daily. They have numerous trips and camps, after looking at all the ideas. I stumbled upon a trip to Ghana, Africa. Now, this trip is different than the majority of them. This trip is to convey the message that just because they have a disability does NOT mean that they are cursed by God but that Christ has an abundant amount of love for them.

I was instantly hooked.

I was going to just apply right away, but there was a non-refundable deposit. It was almost like God was saying: "Ellie, although this is a great opportunity, pray.  See if this is my will."

After weeks of praying and just little things affirming it, I knew I needed to apply.

I was emailed back Tuesday telling me all the details, and Wednesday I got a phone call. This phone call was one of the coolest things about it so far. While our conversation was going it was just like sentence after sentence it was confirmed, as if I didn't already know that is what God wanted.

Now here is the crazy part!!!!

The trip is October 5-15! Almost 2 months away!

I have to raise $3000 by then, a lot of money, but I know my God is able.

Guys, I can't even begin to convey to you how excited I am!!!

I know that God is going to use this to help me grow, learn, and become more knowing of who He is. I just can't wait to see these little kids faces and just love on them. To be able to connect with so many people on a different level!!

OH I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

I want to ask one thing of you though. PRAY!  PRAY! PRAY! Although I am excited, this is a big step. It will be emotionally and physically demanding. I know my God will help me with my pains and emotions.  Also, pray for the people that we will be ministering to. Pray that we can show them a glimpse of Christ's love, so that they know that it is not a curse to be disabled. THANK YOU!

And

If by prayer you feel led to give.
You can give online if you go to this link:

http://www.joniandfriends.org/support
Last Name: Passons
Account Number: 52D824

Or by check

Joni and Friends

ATTN: IFR Ghana 2013 (Passons)

P.O. Box 3333

Agoura Hills, CA 91376

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!

I am absolutely ecstatic about this trip! I am already in awe of what God has done so far, and I can't wait to see more!!

OH, I JUST LOVE Y'ALL!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!! (Really though, God is awesome!! I can't get over how amazing He is!!)

Also if you have any other questions feel free to contact me at: epassons@yahoo.com

The Honest Truth!

It is almost midnight July 26th. 10 months exactly since the day that changed my life forever.

To be honest, I am tired. I am weary, and worn.
I am so scared for my future and the  things unknown.
Wondering what it will be like to be a mother who can not fully embrace her child,  but only halfway.

Most days, honestly, I have the strength to conquer the world. Then others, I feel as though I am inadequate for anything.

As days go by, the reality of never going back to a "normal" life is heartbreaking.

I hate that I go out in public and I am judged for something I have no control of.

I feel like I am going crazy with these Phantom Pains. They are so strong and so real, sometimes to the point where I cry.

Why did He choose this for me?

People come up to me and say"This is going to be a huge platform" or "You are going through this to touch others."

You want to know The Honest Truth?

I believe Christ honored me with this journey to teach me.

I have been able to look at my life in a whole different light, realizing I have a heart that is in desperate need for my Father. I have a selfish heart that is impatient, harsh, and that needs love.

It is hard to realize that in your mind all along you thought you have fully surrendered, but in your heart you are holding on tight to at least a little bit. This is why I fail.

I am learning that I have to trust and surrender FULLY. Because I can't live this life on my own.

Christ constantly amazes me, even in the little things. The other day I was reading my quiet time, and just really struggling. I started reading Psalms 71 (which is one of my favorite Psalms), and then came across this verse that spoke volume to me:

(Psalm 71:14)       As for me, I will always have hope, I will praise you more and more.

Wow!

I felt this just huge amount of thankfulness. I should be waking up everyday, not just some days, with a grateful attitude. Praising God for my life and saving me with the ultimate sacrifice. That is why we have hope! 

My situation could be a lot worse. I should not even be alive, but God chose to spare me.

I am learning and trying to live this out. It is a battle, let me tell you. 

But why should I be able to whine or complain, when my God chose to die for me in a gruesome death. I shouldn't.

Isn't it awesome that God loves us despite our selfish hearts, I am so blessed. 

(2 Timothy 4:17a)    But the Lord stood by my side, and He gave me strength.

Wow, God is SO good!!

Call my name

One of my biggest struggles my whole life has been pride. Pride in the sense of feeling worthless.  I tell myself I am a failure, or I will never be good or pretty enough.
Ever since my wreck those thoughts have magnified.
As time goes by the days get harder and harder.
The reality of never living with an arm again is just more real. I know that sounds crazy, bust some nights I just wish it wasn't real and I could wake up from this nightmare.
I look at myself in the mirror and think how could anyone love "that".
When I go out in public, the stares feel like knives going into my heart. It's almost like all those thoughts seem true because if they weren't they wouldn't stare.
I feel hopeless and just plain weak.

A few days ago right when I got to work I started to have a meltdown. I just started to cry out everything that was on my mind. I do not think I have let ALL of my feelings out in a very long time like that.  I felt like I just needed to pray. But to be honest I didn't even know what to say. Then this song came on the radio.

I can't even begin to tell you how much peace overwhelmed me. I could feel God speaking to me saying "Ellie, I am here. Just call my name."
How cool is that!!!

I am learning daily to surrender. I am learning that I do not have anything to measure up to, and God just wants me to be the woman He created me to be.

God is constantly teaching me or reminding me things daily.
I am also realizing the more I am in the word the easier the day will be but also I am becoming more aware of how the enemy attacks me.
It is so amazing how God has given me strength to complete each day because honestly some days I don't feel like I can get through. He gives me the peace and just wraps me up in His arms and gives me the love I need to succeed.

People constantly ask me how I do it. Truth is I don't. Christ does. I couldn't even imagine going down this road without my Father, and honestly I couldn't even if I tried.

I have struggles, yes, but man I am so thankful to go on a journey that I get to learn about how real the love of Christ is.

God is SO good!

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

I have been set free.

This past week has been an insane week.
I drove for the first time, AND I am now driving around!! Whoohoo! I can't even begin to tell you how awesome it was to drive for the first time! I felt so accomplished, and so strong.

To be honest, those emotions didn't last long.
I was in my parents room, and I just all of the sudden broke. Everything that I had been storing up just poured out. Those feelings of sadness that I had been pushing back came at a downpour.
I could feel the anger rising. Anger that I had never felt before. Honestly thoughts of just wanting that guy that cut me off to know the pain I go through day by day.
I felt so weak. I just felt like I couldn't be strong or at least act like I was anymore.
Honestly , I was getting upset with myself for the way I was feeling.
My parents and I started talking about the awesome things this journey has brought.
In that moment I realized I was under attack and I needed to start praying. So as we were talking I was trying to pray and fill my mind with the joy of Christ. It was so cool because I know the truth and It truly did set me free.
The things I have learned about my Father I wouldn't of learned if I had not gone through this.
The experiences I have had, like getting to tell people about His story, I wouldn't of had such a platform to do so carelessly.
The peace that I feel daily, knowing that I have hope, it is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
I honestly wouldn't change a thing. I have learned that loosing a arm is so worth it, because my relationship with Christ has grown, strengthened, and the realization that He chose me to be His daughter is so much greater.  He has given me such a heart for the lost that it truly does fill me with sadness knowing people will not know Him as their Savior. 

When I got into my room that night the realization of how satan can attack so easily just was real in a different way. We need to be ready. We need to be filling our minds DAILY with His words and be in constant prayer because if we are not we have given satan an opening to pull us away. It is so crucial through life because in the good or bad you can always see the greatness of Him if you are devoted.

As I am sitting here writing this my heart is so overcome with joy knowing that my chains are gone and I have been set free. It just brings a smile to my face thinking about what God has done.
He gives me strength, and He gives me the ability to conquer things that wouldn't be so easy if I didn't have Him by my side!

Whether or not I have my left arm, I am the daughter of The Most High. Nothing else really matters.
Because the He is so much more powerful than anything on this earth. So when I am under attack, I know if I call on His name satan doesn't stand a chance.

Isn't God just so awesome! I am so in awe of Him!! God is good!

I am forever grateful.

I am so in love with Christ.
My heart is hungry and thirsty for His words. I desire His love more than anything because I know I can't be satisfied without it.
I can't go throughout a day without talking to my Father.
I feel so inadequate for this gifted life. So unworthy to be a chosen child of the King of Kings.
Why me?
I sit here wondering why God chose me for this journey.
I can honestly say I don't know and I do not understand why. I struggle with it daily. The pain, the grief, the judgments, and a new life it all seems too much.
What I do know is, He gives me hope.
In the midst of my grief, I have joy. I can't even begin to explain it to you.
While I cry, I can feel His arms just hold me tight. I know He is there.
I have peace, and it really does pass all my understanding. I have no idea what this crazy life will bring, but for the first time in my life I have no fear. I know that because God has brought me to this point, I know He can get me through anything.
I can't even begin to describe to you the passion and desire I have to share Christ.
It overwhelms me with sadness to know that many people will not celebrate with me in the hope that Christ gives us.

I can't imagine going through this without Him.
I wake up with grief, questions, and sadness.
I fail. I trust my ways are better.
I tell myself lies, thinking that I am worthless. I stare at myself in the mirror wanting my arm back so badly.
That is why I am humbled God chose me. Because He could of chosen any other person, but instead He chose me.  A flawed one-armed young woman with fear and doubt, to share about a flawless God in ways many people can't.

I am able to share my story everyday.
People watch, they judge, they stare, and some even ask me how it happened . It is such a huge platform to share the awesome grace, peace, and joy that Christ gives.
In those moments God gives me the confidence to moves mountains. He gives me the words to say when I don't know what to say, or when I feel sad because of my new life.

I can't explain it.
This is not me, at all. Truthfully I don't have any desire for it to be me. I could care less if people remembered my name or what I looked like. All I want them to remember is that there is hope in this crazy life, and there is NO way you can get through it without Him.

I am so thankful. I just feel so humbled right now.
Man, we serve an AMAZING God!

GOD IS GOOD!!

Sometimes I forget...

In my head I have daily battles of self worth, dissatisfaction, and just plain grief. 

The past month, as my medical problems are starting to die down, the reality of what happened has hit me harder than before.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I forget. I wake up, go to sit up in my bed, then it hits. My arm isn't there. It's gone. Sometimes I feel like it happened last week. I am still in shock. 

I am going through the beginning stages of accepting that I will not be able to do things the same way, ever again. 

It is so frustrating. My arm is in constant pain sometimes extremely sharp because my body is confused that it isn't there anymore

I can't wait till I can look in the mirror and be ok with the way I look now.  It is so hard to shop, because things fit and look differently than before. 

It is so hard to know that I will never be able to reach out with both arms to hug someone. I almost feel like I am letting them down because I can't even give someone a normal sign of affection. 

I deal with the thoughts of "well now I can't do anything" or "I am different and funny looking".

I feel the stares, and judgments every where I go. 

I am constantly having to just cry out to Christ, because I can't do this. I can't, at all.

I am writing all of this to tell y'all, I do not have it together. I think sometimes people think that I do, but reality is that I struggle like every other person. 

One of the things that amazes me most about Christ, in the midst of my pain and whys, He is there. 

Like, guys He is still with us. No matter what. 

Every time I feel a thought that satan plants in my head, I can hear Christ almost instantly saying: "But Ellie, you are enough" or "Ellie, I don't care what you wear or who stares, I care about my precious daughter."

I have seriously struggled with the verse "You are fearfully and wonderfully made". I would look in the mirror and think ,but I was not born like this. So, therefore it is not true.  

As time has gone on and I have constantly surrendered, I have realized that He is and always has been the potter and I am the clay that He is molding.   

Y'all we serve an awesome God. I mean daily DAILY I try to comprehend the pain and torture Christ went through for me and I am SO incredibly humbled. 

We have it good. 

Imagine doing nothing wrong, but everyday you are criticized for being who you are. And then called horrible names, being mocked, beaten, and hung on a cross to die. 

I can't even begin to comprehend what my Father went through, and to think that it was all for me.

That is what gets me through. 

God is good.