An Overwhelmed Soul.

Sleepless nights, wandering thoughts, and questions upon questions sums up the last two months of my life.

It's almost like it has hit me all over again. 

The loss, the pain, the struggle, the grief, and just pure hopelessness.

I remember waking up September 27th (A year and one day after my accident) thinking "OK, is it over yet? Can I just have it back?" I just laid there in silence trying to understand these permanent scars. And to be honest, I couldn't.

But, I didn't let that distract me. Besides I was about to go to Africa and I was so excited.

The day finally came. 

Trial after trial took place on this trip. 

My flight was canceled. I had to travel alone. I almost couldn't get on any of my flights. I had a 2 hour stand down. I got sick the first day. It was so hard for me to eat. I was in pain. I couldn't sleep. And many other things.

But goodness was I blessed and learned a lot more than ever imagined. 

In the frustrations of "Why isn't this going how I planned?" 

God painted the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.

I fell in love with all of the kids but there was one boy that I fell madly in love with. 

His name is Timothy. He had has 18th birthday during the retreat and he has hydrocephalus.

His eyes are beautiful and his heart is sweet. He can't talk much and he can't walk. He can move his arm but that's about it. He has a tiny smile that I can't even describe how much it touches you. 

His mother is so kind but so tired and worn out. She is the only one he has. She is aging fast, yet she is so beautiful. She radiates a contagious beauty. 

One morning we were all worshipping and they were singing "He is able, God is Able." I was just admiring all these families when I see Timothy's mother start to sob. You could see her pain. She was crying out in desperation and my heart just broke. I saw the struggles in her eyes, then the most precious thing happened. Timothy lifted his hand up and started playing with her hair and smiled the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. You could see Timothy's mother whole demeanor change and just look at her son. She knew they were going to be OK. Her face showed joy and she stood up and continued to worship with her hands held high singing and knowing "God is able."  

I was crying just in awe. God showed me the perfect picture of joy in suffering. He is "playing with our hair" when we break down. He IS able. He is there, even if we are overwhelmed. 

God IS able. This isn't my plan it is purely HIS.

Ever since I have gotten home I have been relaying that scene in my head. The beauty of suffering.

How amazing is it that in the pain there is beauty? 

It's not the world's standard of beauty it's a beauty unexplainable.
A tiny light in the darkness that even though may be small seems to radiate so much space.

My soul is overwhelmed. 

In the past two months I have felt pain that I have never experienced. I have seen things indescribable. 

I have struggled with lies from satan and I have seen God in remarkable ways.

I am learning that no matter what , even if I am overwhelmed and if I just need to cry, He hears me. 

Some days are just plain hard and that's OK. Because I am so confident in the fact that He is able. 

God is able. 

Romans 8:26
In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words.

(Here are a few pictures from my trip!!)

         

 

It was planned all along.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my accident. (September 26th)

It is so crazy to think it has already been this long. 

I remember exactly what I wore that day, how beautiful the weather was, and how frustrated I was with my teacher. 

Then, BAM, my life was changed forever.

So many emotions flooding my head. It is a day of grief for what was lost, but also a day of joy for what was given, life. 

Sometimes I have asked God, Why? 

Why did you choose me for this? I am too weak, why did you give me such a challenging battle? 

Why did my life have to change so dramatically that it would affect me every day for the rest of my life?

To be honest, I may not ever know. 

Today while I was working out a song came on my play list that I love and listen to a lot. Today though, It had a whole new meaning.

It then hit me, that this wasn't unplanned.
God has been preparing my whole life for this.
It had already been written down in His story.
He has given me the strength to go through this, putting me through trials before this even took place.
He put hard people in my life, such as my teacher, to make fun of or criticize me in public to prepare me for this.

He has been there every step of the way, even the ones I didn't know I was taking that would prepare me for the rest of my life.

Isn't that just awesome!?

I really do just love this song!
My favorite lyrics in the song are :

Kneeling on this battleground 

Seeing just how much you've done

Knowing every victory 

Is Your power in us.

Amen!

I look back at this year, and WOW! God has done great things!!

I should be dead, but He saved me.
He gave me patience to learn how to get dressed, fix my hair, and put on my make-up.
He gave me strength to get up each day and not look back.
He has given me peace when my phantom pains seemed unbearable.
He provided a car, and He gave me peace to get back on the road.

I mean really I could go on and on.
He did all of that. For me.
How can I not have joy?

I know this may sound crazy, but this has been the best year of my life.

I have learned so much about God.
I have learned and experienced that God says I am beautiful no matter what, I am enough, that I have peace, joy, and strength to get through each day  and I can do whatever I set my mind to! (Even if people say I can't!!)

I have learned that God has called me to be His servant. To love and embrace others with the mercy and grace Christ has shown me.

Lastly,
I know God chose me for a reason. Why? Because He has given me hope, and He is faithful.

God is so good!!!!

Thank you for being there for me moment one. I love each of you! Many blessings! :)

Jehovah-Jireh

I sit here so undeserving, but so thankful.
My God has provided ALL that I need for my trip. Paid in full.
Not only in funds, but just confirmation after confirmation that is is all a part of His will.


I am so in awe of what God has done.
I am constantly amazed at how He provides for His children, even daughters like me who have little faith. Although excitement has been in the air, my doubtful heart wondered how it would be possible to  raise so much in 2 months. Even though I knew it was God's plan it just seemed so impossible to me.
Day after day He has provided, and day after day God has told me: It is possible.
Tonight, all of my funds were provided in two weeks. As I saw the balance of $0, I heard God say "Ellie, do you really think that I am Jehovah-Jireh/your provider?" Wow!
Oh, how I had to fall to His feet. An undeserving child of the King. Lay my worries at His feet and praise Him! What a loving God we serve that despite our worries, doubts, and little faith; He is there, He provides, and He loves us unconditionally.

My emotions are going crazy.
I am so excited about this trip. I can't wait to meet the people, experience a new culture, and share the awesome love Christ has given me.
I am also uncertain of what is to come. I do not know how my arm will be on the plane and there. As my phantom pain is getting worse, and I pray it will not hinder my time there.
Lastly, I am remembering. September 26th is vastly approaching. Honestly, my heart is grieving. Accepting a no longer normal life with constant stares, challenges, and pain. I am trying to remember the life He gave to me. The strength He has given to conquer each hurdle. The love He has shown by holding me in His arms. Lastly, the peace and joy that has gotten me through each day. And I know He will continue to do these things.

So much going on, but so much praise to Him who is Lord.

I want to just thank you so much.
Another thing that God has shown me, is that I have so many people supporting me.
Y'all I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.
Thank you.

God is so good.


Jehovah-Jireh= The Lord who provides!!

I have exciting News!!!!!!

Hey Guys!

So, instead of my normal blog post I am going to share some exciting news!!

You ready?!

I AM GOING TO GHANA, AFRICA!!!

I am beyond excited to share with you about this trip!!!!

For years and years I have always looked up to the amazing Joni Eareckson Tada. I have always admired her bravery and just strength when life was not picture perfect. So naturally, after my accident she was one of the first people I thought of as inspiration.

A couple months after my accident, I started to have a desire to help people like me. I have had idea after idea of how to go about them all consisting of going overseas. But they never were practical.
So I just decided to wait until God gave me the right opportunity.

About 1 1/2 months ago I was on Facebook and Joni's organization Joni and Friends popped up in my sidebar. I had heard my mom mention something about it one time so I clicked on it. I just started to look around, and then saw a tab for opportunities.  This organization helps countless people with countless disabilities daily. They have numerous trips and camps, after looking at all the ideas. I stumbled upon a trip to Ghana, Africa. Now, this trip is different than the majority of them. This trip is to convey the message that just because they have a disability does NOT mean that they are cursed by God but that Christ has an abundant amount of love for them.

I was instantly hooked.

I was going to just apply right away, but there was a non-refundable deposit. It was almost like God was saying: "Ellie, although this is a great opportunity, pray.  See if this is my will."

After weeks of praying and just little things affirming it, I knew I needed to apply.

I was emailed back Tuesday telling me all the details, and Wednesday I got a phone call. This phone call was one of the coolest things about it so far. While our conversation was going it was just like sentence after sentence it was confirmed, as if I didn't already know that is what God wanted.

Now here is the crazy part!!!!

The trip is October 5-15! Almost 2 months away!

I have to raise $3000 by then, a lot of money, but I know my God is able.

Guys, I can't even begin to convey to you how excited I am!!!

I know that God is going to use this to help me grow, learn, and become more knowing of who He is. I just can't wait to see these little kids faces and just love on them. To be able to connect with so many people on a different level!!

OH I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

I want to ask one thing of you though. PRAY!  PRAY! PRAY! Although I am excited, this is a big step. It will be emotionally and physically demanding. I know my God will help me with my pains and emotions.  Also, pray for the people that we will be ministering to. Pray that we can show them a glimpse of Christ's love, so that they know that it is not a curse to be disabled. THANK YOU!

And

If by prayer you feel led to give.
You can give online if you go to this link:

http://www.joniandfriends.org/support
Last Name: Passons
Account Number: 52D824

Or by check

Joni and Friends

ATTN: IFR Ghana 2013 (Passons)

P.O. Box 3333

Agoura Hills, CA 91376

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!

I am absolutely ecstatic about this trip! I am already in awe of what God has done so far, and I can't wait to see more!!

OH, I JUST LOVE Y'ALL!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!! (Really though, God is awesome!! I can't get over how amazing He is!!)

Also if you have any other questions feel free to contact me at: epassons@yahoo.com

The Honest Truth!

It is almost midnight July 26th. 10 months exactly since the day that changed my life forever.

To be honest, I am tired. I am weary, and worn.
I am so scared for my future and the  things unknown.
Wondering what it will be like to be a mother who can not fully embrace her child,  but only halfway.

Most days, honestly, I have the strength to conquer the world. Then others, I feel as though I am inadequate for anything.

As days go by, the reality of never going back to a "normal" life is heartbreaking.

I hate that I go out in public and I am judged for something I have no control of.

I feel like I am going crazy with these Phantom Pains. They are so strong and so real, sometimes to the point where I cry.

Why did He choose this for me?

People come up to me and say"This is going to be a huge platform" or "You are going through this to touch others."

You want to know The Honest Truth?

I believe Christ honored me with this journey to teach me.

I have been able to look at my life in a whole different light, realizing I have a heart that is in desperate need for my Father. I have a selfish heart that is impatient, harsh, and that needs love.

It is hard to realize that in your mind all along you thought you have fully surrendered, but in your heart you are holding on tight to at least a little bit. This is why I fail.

I am learning that I have to trust and surrender FULLY. Because I can't live this life on my own.

Christ constantly amazes me, even in the little things. The other day I was reading my quiet time, and just really struggling. I started reading Psalms 71 (which is one of my favorite Psalms), and then came across this verse that spoke volume to me:

(Psalm 71:14)       As for me, I will always have hope, I will praise you more and more.

Wow!

I felt this just huge amount of thankfulness. I should be waking up everyday, not just some days, with a grateful attitude. Praising God for my life and saving me with the ultimate sacrifice. That is why we have hope! 

My situation could be a lot worse. I should not even be alive, but God chose to spare me.

I am learning and trying to live this out. It is a battle, let me tell you. 

But why should I be able to whine or complain, when my God chose to die for me in a gruesome death. I shouldn't.

Isn't it awesome that God loves us despite our selfish hearts, I am so blessed. 

(2 Timothy 4:17a)    But the Lord stood by my side, and He gave me strength.

Wow, God is SO good!!

Call my name

One of my biggest struggles my whole life has been pride. Pride in the sense of feeling worthless.  I tell myself I am a failure, or I will never be good or pretty enough.
Ever since my wreck those thoughts have magnified.
As time goes by the days get harder and harder.
The reality of never living with an arm again is just more real. I know that sounds crazy, bust some nights I just wish it wasn't real and I could wake up from this nightmare.
I look at myself in the mirror and think how could anyone love "that".
When I go out in public, the stares feel like knives going into my heart. It's almost like all those thoughts seem true because if they weren't they wouldn't stare.
I feel hopeless and just plain weak.

A few days ago right when I got to work I started to have a meltdown. I just started to cry out everything that was on my mind. I do not think I have let ALL of my feelings out in a very long time like that.  I felt like I just needed to pray. But to be honest I didn't even know what to say. Then this song came on the radio.

I can't even begin to tell you how much peace overwhelmed me. I could feel God speaking to me saying "Ellie, I am here. Just call my name."
How cool is that!!!

I am learning daily to surrender. I am learning that I do not have anything to measure up to, and God just wants me to be the woman He created me to be.

God is constantly teaching me or reminding me things daily.
I am also realizing the more I am in the word the easier the day will be but also I am becoming more aware of how the enemy attacks me.
It is so amazing how God has given me strength to complete each day because honestly some days I don't feel like I can get through. He gives me the peace and just wraps me up in His arms and gives me the love I need to succeed.

People constantly ask me how I do it. Truth is I don't. Christ does. I couldn't even imagine going down this road without my Father, and honestly I couldn't even if I tried.

I have struggles, yes, but man I am so thankful to go on a journey that I get to learn about how real the love of Christ is.

God is SO good!

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

I have been set free.

This past week has been an insane week.
I drove for the first time, AND I am now driving around!! Whoohoo! I can't even begin to tell you how awesome it was to drive for the first time! I felt so accomplished, and so strong.

To be honest, those emotions didn't last long.
I was in my parents room, and I just all of the sudden broke. Everything that I had been storing up just poured out. Those feelings of sadness that I had been pushing back came at a downpour.
I could feel the anger rising. Anger that I had never felt before. Honestly thoughts of just wanting that guy that cut me off to know the pain I go through day by day.
I felt so weak. I just felt like I couldn't be strong or at least act like I was anymore.
Honestly , I was getting upset with myself for the way I was feeling.
My parents and I started talking about the awesome things this journey has brought.
In that moment I realized I was under attack and I needed to start praying. So as we were talking I was trying to pray and fill my mind with the joy of Christ. It was so cool because I know the truth and It truly did set me free.
The things I have learned about my Father I wouldn't of learned if I had not gone through this.
The experiences I have had, like getting to tell people about His story, I wouldn't of had such a platform to do so carelessly.
The peace that I feel daily, knowing that I have hope, it is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
I honestly wouldn't change a thing. I have learned that loosing a arm is so worth it, because my relationship with Christ has grown, strengthened, and the realization that He chose me to be His daughter is so much greater.  He has given me such a heart for the lost that it truly does fill me with sadness knowing people will not know Him as their Savior. 

When I got into my room that night the realization of how satan can attack so easily just was real in a different way. We need to be ready. We need to be filling our minds DAILY with His words and be in constant prayer because if we are not we have given satan an opening to pull us away. It is so crucial through life because in the good or bad you can always see the greatness of Him if you are devoted.

As I am sitting here writing this my heart is so overcome with joy knowing that my chains are gone and I have been set free. It just brings a smile to my face thinking about what God has done.
He gives me strength, and He gives me the ability to conquer things that wouldn't be so easy if I didn't have Him by my side!

Whether or not I have my left arm, I am the daughter of The Most High. Nothing else really matters.
Because the He is so much more powerful than anything on this earth. So when I am under attack, I know if I call on His name satan doesn't stand a chance.

Isn't God just so awesome! I am so in awe of Him!! God is good!