The past month, as my medical problems are starting to die down, the reality of what happened has hit me harder than before.
I know this is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I forget. I wake up, go to sit up in my bed, then it hits. My arm isn't there. It's gone. Sometimes I feel like it happened last week. I am still in shock.
I am going through the beginning stages of accepting that I will not be able to do things the same way, ever again.
It is so frustrating. My arm is in constant pain sometimes extremely sharp because my body is confused that it isn't there anymore
I can't wait till I can look in the mirror and be ok with the way I look now. It is so hard to shop, because things fit and look differently than before.
It is so hard to know that I will never be able to reach out with both arms to hug someone. I almost feel like I am letting them down because I can't even give someone a normal sign of affection.
I deal with the thoughts of "well now I can't do anything" or "I am different and funny looking".
I feel the stares, and judgments every where I go.
I am constantly having to just cry out to Christ, because I can't do this. I can't, at all.
I am writing all of this to tell y'all, I do not have it together. I think sometimes people think that I do, but reality is that I struggle like every other person.
One of the things that amazes me most about Christ, in the midst of my pain and whys, He is there.
Like, guys He is still with us. No matter what.
Every time I feel a thought that satan plants in my head, I can hear Christ almost instantly saying: "But Ellie, you are enough" or "Ellie, I don't care what you wear or who stares, I care about my precious daughter."
I have seriously struggled with the verse "You are fearfully and wonderfully made". I would look in the mirror and think ,but I was not born like this. So, therefore it is not true.
As time has gone on and I have constantly surrendered, I have realized that He is and always has been the potter and I am the clay that He is molding.
Y'all we serve an awesome God. I mean daily DAILY I try to comprehend the pain and torture Christ went through for me and I am SO incredibly humbled.
We have it good.
Imagine doing nothing wrong, but everyday you are criticized for being who you are. And then called horrible names, being mocked, beaten, and hung on a cross to die.
I can't even begin to comprehend what my Father went through, and to think that it was all for me.
That is what gets me through.
God is good.
