It is almost midnight July 26th. 10 months exactly since the day that changed my life forever.
To be honest, I am tired. I am weary, and worn.
I am so scared for my future and the things unknown.
Wondering what it will be like to be a mother who can not fully embrace her child, but only halfway.
Most days, honestly, I have the strength to conquer the world. Then others, I feel as though I am inadequate for anything.
As days go by, the reality of never going back to a "normal" life is heartbreaking.
I hate that I go out in public and I am judged for something I have no control of.
I feel like I am going crazy with these Phantom Pains. They are so strong and so real, sometimes to the point where I cry.
Why did He choose this for me?
People come up to me and say"This is going to be a huge platform" or "You are going through this to touch others."
You want to know The Honest Truth?
I believe Christ honored me with this journey to teach me.
I have been able to look at my life in a whole different light, realizing I have a heart that is in desperate need for my Father. I have a selfish heart that is impatient, harsh, and that needs love.
It is hard to realize that in your mind all along you thought you have fully surrendered, but in your heart you are holding on tight to at least a little bit. This is why I fail.
I am learning that I have to trust and surrender FULLY. Because I can't live this life on my own.
Christ constantly amazes me, even in the little things. The other day I was reading my quiet time, and just really struggling. I started reading Psalms 71 (which is one of my favorite Psalms), and then came across this verse that spoke volume to me:
(Psalm 71:14) As for me, I will always have hope, I will praise you more and more.
Wow!
I felt this just huge amount of thankfulness. I should be waking up everyday, not just some days, with a grateful attitude. Praising God for my life and saving me with the ultimate sacrifice. That is why we have hope!
My situation could be a lot worse. I should not even be alive, but God chose to spare me.
I am learning and trying to live this out. It is a battle, let me tell you.
But why should I be able to whine or complain, when my God chose to die for me in a gruesome death. I shouldn't.
Isn't it awesome that God loves us despite our selfish hearts, I am so blessed.
(2 Timothy 4:17a) But the Lord stood by my side, and He gave me strength.
Wow, God is SO good!!
