"I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing."
It's taken two years for me to write again.
Finally, I am ready.
I am ready to share my heart and let out my final (probably going to be long) sigh.
I feel as though sometimes I am invincible, like nothing can hurt me or touch me. In one ear out the other. The problem is I am nothing, like at all, on my own. Therefore, heartache is inevitable.
Two years ago began a journey I truly thought I would never embark. Rejection which has led to depression and bitterness. And not until moving across the country did I realize how deep all of it actually was.
I have always struggled with acceptance. Whether it was peers, bosses, elders, or quite honestly my Heavenly Father. It only got worse after my accident, I used the difference as an excuse to justify why I should not be accepted. It is a daily struggle that I am constantly (still) surrendering to God.
So in 2016 when I started on a new job, it was no different.
It started out grand. I was amazed by the new children and intrigued by the new adventure.
This time though, slowly, and then very rapidly I was judged and greatly disliked by the very lies I have told myself for years.
I was told I was incompetent. I was not good at ANYTHING I did. I can't do anything right. I physically couldn't do some of the things they asked because of only having one arm, and then I was told I use my disability as an excuse. I seriously tried everything in my power to prove them wrong and nothing satisfied.
But what got to me the most was, these were fellow believers that fed me these lies.
I began having anxiety attacks, constantly sick, constantly sobbing, and after 4 months I was asked to leave because I got sick and was told never come back.
I drove away with no real closure, no goodbyes to parents or kids. Instead, I drove away one last time completely broken and forever changed.
All the meanwhile before and then during those 4 months, Jason and I attended a new church and small group to connect with new couples and again, heartbreak. We were open and struggles were shared and then all of the sudden we weren't informed of new times, no contact was made, and we were pretty much non existent in these peoples eyes. There were no hurtful statements made, but there was no effort in being our friends. Again, hurt by fellow believers.
If people in the church don't think I am worthy of being a friend, or think that I am useless, then it must be true. It doesn't matter what the people that I know or love say, what they said is true because they are Christians too. And since they are Christians, God must think it too.
So, I believed them.
My view of church changed. I had no desire to attend. Anywhere. ( Honestly, real talk, It's still a struggle.)
I began to see why unbelievers feel so rejected and judged and don't like "the church". I was rejected for my real self, and things I have no control over, and I love Jesus. I can't imagine how they feel.
So, I began to internalize. That is until a couple of months ago.
Every time, I prayed, read scripture that convicted me of forgiveness, or heard sermons, I would literally ignore it. FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS.
I know, I am not a very good Christian, but its truth and I am here to be real.
I don't know if you have ever been in a place of hurt or deep sadness but eventually you get to a massive breaking point. The point to where you are seamingly hanging by a thread to keep breathing. The point where you have cried so much you can't even form tears anymore. I literally just somewhat recently hit this point.
I have let satan control me, until now.
I let him continuously feed me lies, better yet I encouraged and believed him by not acknowledging truth.
What is the truth?
Ephesians 1:4 "For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love" (Just read all of it.. so good)
The truth is no matter what, God chose me.
Literally before creation.
No matter what anyone says, I am His.
Why is it so hard to believe?
Because it's a lot easier believing a lie, than admitting we are wrong and believing something that requires us to give up our pride. (At least that's what I think.) I mean after all we are human and love the easy routes even if it is costly.
I am finally able to think or talk about these circumstances without tears.
I am learning that it is a process and that maybe these people who hurt me, were actually hurting themselves.
I am learning that its actually important to share my struggles and journey, because I am not alone and who knows who else may be hurting.
I am also learning to be accepting of others, but in order to do so I need to accept myself by believing the truths God has plainly laid before me.
Lastly, I am learning that people, even fellow believers, will fail or hurt me. Why? Because we are ALL sinners.
I am in a season of self reflection and honestly loneliness. I love where we are but making friends and building community is so hard and not coming easily. So I have a lot of free time to think about this and have many opportunities to feed my heart truth.
I am still constantly forgiving and dismissing lies. But I am not in bondage of those lies anymore.
I may be worn and a little hurt, but man MY God is a healer and He is healing my soul. God is good.
"For God has said: I will never fail you and never abandon you." Hebrews 13:5
