A few weeks ago someone said to me "It's going to be ok. When you get over this (loosing my arm) you will go through something else and this (loosing my arm) will be not as big of a deal."
I was left standing in complete silence.
Anger brewed and there satan had control.
How am I ever going to get over loosing my arm? When will I ever think "Oh man, having only one arm is SO easy! I never struggle anymore." I won't. I know that for a fact.
A few days later I was in Target and the stares dug deep in my soul. I saw a mom turn her child's face away from me afraid of what would happen or be said if that child saw me. I died inside. Do I really look that scary?
The next day I was getting ready and I just couldn't button my pants. No matter how hard I tried. Then I was heating up left overs and dropped them all because it was too awkward to hold with one hand. I cried a little bit. But, I sucked it up and moved on.
Last Thursday Jason was driving me to work. We were in the far left lane. The concrete wall was on one side and a car on the other. The car beside me went halfway in our lane causing Jason to swerve only inches from the wall. The lady in the car was so close to us if both of our windows were down I could have easily touched her nose. She then realized, went back to her lane, and looked (with no emotions) continuing to drive.
I went in full blown anxiety attack.
I started to hyperventilate, my heart was RACING, and I screamed so loud.
I started sobbing. Like HARD sobs. Painful sobs.(I literally have not cried that hard since I had to have my stitches removed from my arm.)
I let it out.
I released pain I had been bottling up for a few weeks and just the painful reality that it will never go away.
I looked at Jason and sat in silence, shaking, and we just were in shock.
Because if you were there you would be in agreement that there is no other reason but God intervening that we didn't get into a horrible wreck.
I went into work and cried, but it wasn't until I sat in my classroom while the kids were napping that I really processed it.
I saw her face, and then I flashed back to the man that caused my whole wreck.
I felt the hopelessness and fear. Huge amounts of fear.
At the perfect timing my playlist played "No longer Slaves" By Bethel Music
And there truth reminded me of who I am.
"I am NO longer a slave to fear, because I AM A CHILD OF GOD."
I am HIS precious child and yet I have chosen to be slave to fear. Why? Why would I let satan have that hold on me?
"All my fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could stand and sing. I am a child of God."
I cried and prayed in my classroom of 7 sleeping children. I am so thankful that despite my selfish ways, God is there, He assures me, and kindly reminds me that He dealt with my fears so there is absolutely no reason why I should be in bondage. I have to surrender and give it to Him. He has dealt with my fears MANY MANY years ago.
How freeing is that?
After, I realized what that person was trying to say. They weren't meaning that I would "get over" something so awful as loosing my arm, but they were meaning that as His child I have Him walking me through this trial and the next trial I go through will be easier because what I have already been through.
I love how truth really does set you free.
He really gives freedom.
Freedom in your thoughts. (Fear can turn into anger and bitterness.)
Freedom in what people say. (Not hearing what you want but hearing what is said.)
FREEDOM IN FEAR.
"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have receive the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!""
Romans 8:15
