"I stood looking at myself for at least ten minutes. And then I looked away. From deep within me a storm of mourning brewed and broke forth. A dark, dangerous funnel cloud seemed to hit the ground. As I climbed into the shower, the storm hit, and the rain fell around me. I grabbed a shampoo bottle, just trying to move past the grief I was feeling right then, I guess. But I couldn't open it with only one hand. The shampoo bottle fell from my grasp, and I stood for a moment, utterly ruined. Then I crumpled to the floor of the shower and sobbed." Still Lolo by Lauren Scruggs
A few days ago this EXACT thing happened.
I woke up, and I had forgotten. I know that sounds crazy and absurd, but it's true.
For a moment, there was no pain.
But, when I was going to get up out of bed, it hit like a ton of bricks. Like, it was almost like it happened all over again.
I felt all sorts of pain. Emotional. Mental. And most definitely Physical. Surges through my body reminding me that this is and will always be my journey.
I tried to move past it but I broke, just like Lauren, in the shower.
I began to hear : "Ewws", "You look like a freak!", and "You look so weird!"
Lies from satan told to me by strangers.
It took everything in me to not believe them. And If I am honest with you, I did.
The struggle of getting ready that day was more intense than normal.
My heart was aching of pain.
Later that day, I was expressing my struggles to someone when they said "You still struggle with all of that? Hasn't it been 2 years?" I wanted to just yell: "Of course! Do you know what it is like living 19 years one way with dreams and goals and suddenly everything changed in an instant? It is not something you get used to. What once was will never be because I am not the same!"
I got it. In all the anger in that moment God shed light in my heart.
I am not the same.
I am learning what it is like to have joy when truthfully this sucks.
I am learning to surrender because that is the ONLY way I will have strength to get through.
I am learning that God made me beautiful, and because He knew every moment of my life before conception THIS is being made beautiful.
I am learning that God is more real than me or you. If He wasn't I couldn't get through each day.
I am just so in awe how Christ is there in ALL times.
You hear that God will rescue you when you need to be saved but really He already has.
He has rescued us, opened His arms, and He has been listening to our broken hearts this whole time.
The idea of being a Christian is easy is a lie.
It's hard and it sucks sometimes but the difference is, I have HOPE. When all the pain, junk, trials, you name it is over, I have purpose. Because Christ suffered for that purpose. He chose the pain. Honestly, I don't know if I would choose the pain. That is why I am proud to be a daughter of the King because He chose a painful, horrible, terrible, miserable death FOR ME.
That is hope!
That is why I can get up and go on.
Knowing I have a purpose.
God is good, in all sorts of pain.
