I don't even know what to think or even feel right now.
All I know is the pain is heavy and it is more real than it has ever been.
3 weeks and 2 days will mark the 2 year date since I lost my arm.
Since my whole life was turned upside down.
I honestly know the only way I can get through these next few weeks is God.
My heart hurts.
Reality hitting me hard in the face. I can't ignore it. I have to face it.
I'm not ready.
Last year, we celebrated. Spent the day in celebration that I had life. That was exactly what I needed. I needed to be encouraged, because little did I know the second year was going to be 100 times harder.
The first year I conquered. The second year I had to learn to breathe.
I have had to learn that life isn't going to go back to normal.
Can I be honest with you? It is so hard to get through the day.
Not that I thought I was going to get my arm back or anything, but I can truly say I was hoping I would wake-up. Wake-up from this dream that I didn't plan.
I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but that isn't true.
My heart aches. SO much.
I truly cry out so many nights in desperate need for God's embrace. I can not do it. I can NOT do anything without asking for God's strength.
When I am at work and get frustrated because I have to change 7 kids diapers with 1 arm, I have to pray. THE WHOLE TIME. When I am opening a bottle I have to put it in between my legs, and I get upset because I keep dropping the bottle. I have to pray. When I have to hold my hair clip in my mouth as I twist my hair and push my head up against the wall and my hair keeps falling down, and I cry in frustration. I HAVE to pray. I have no other choice.
And that's ok. It's ok to be upset sometimes. I am learning that. I am learning that it is truly ok to cry. In fact it's healthy to.
I am learning that even though I do not understand this new life God has for me. It is ok. Because He is there. He is good.
He chose this for me. I choose not to dwell on the pain, but feel it and give it to Him. Surrender. It is hard to do but that is the only way to get through.
I can't move on from loosing an arm. I am reminded in EVERYTHING I do that it is gone. But what I can do is pray and give it to God knowing He can turn this horrific thing into beauty.
That's what I am holding on to, because right now it feels like it is too much.
