It's almost like it has hit me all over again.
The loss, the pain, the struggle, the grief, and just pure hopelessness.
I remember waking up September 27th (A year and one day after my accident) thinking "OK, is it over yet? Can I just have it back?" I just laid there in silence trying to understand these permanent scars. And to be honest, I couldn't.
But, I didn't let that distract me. Besides I was about to go to Africa and I was so excited.
The day finally came.
Trial after trial took place on this trip.
My flight was canceled. I had to travel alone. I almost couldn't get on any of my flights. I had a 2 hour stand down. I got sick the first day. It was so hard for me to eat. I was in pain. I couldn't sleep. And many other things.
But goodness was I blessed and learned a lot more than ever imagined.
In the frustrations of "Why isn't this going how I planned?"
God painted the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.
I fell in love with all of the kids but there was one boy that I fell madly in love with.
His name is Timothy. He had has 18th birthday during the retreat and he has hydrocephalus.
His eyes are beautiful and his heart is sweet. He can't talk much and he can't walk. He can move his arm but that's about it. He has a tiny smile that I can't even describe how much it touches you.
His mother is so kind but so tired and worn out. She is the only one he has. She is aging fast, yet she is so beautiful. She radiates a contagious beauty.
One morning we were all worshipping and they were singing "He is able, God is Able." I was just admiring all these families when I see Timothy's mother start to sob. You could see her pain. She was crying out in desperation and my heart just broke. I saw the struggles in her eyes, then the most precious thing happened. Timothy lifted his hand up and started playing with her hair and smiled the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. You could see Timothy's mother whole demeanor change and just look at her son. She knew they were going to be OK. Her face showed joy and she stood up and continued to worship with her hands held high singing and knowing "God is able."
I was crying just in awe. God showed me the perfect picture of joy in suffering. He is "playing with our hair" when we break down. He IS able. He is there, even if we are overwhelmed.
God IS able. This isn't my plan it is purely HIS.
Ever since I have gotten home I have been relaying that scene in my head. The beauty of suffering.
How amazing is it that in the pain there is beauty?
It's not the world's standard of beauty it's a beauty unexplainable.
A tiny light in the darkness that even though may be small seems to radiate so much space.
A tiny light in the darkness that even though may be small seems to radiate so much space.
My soul is overwhelmed.
In the past two months I have felt pain that I have never experienced. I have seen things indescribable.
I have struggled with lies from satan and I have seen God in remarkable ways.
I am learning that no matter what , even if I am overwhelmed and if I just need to cry, He hears me.
Some days are just plain hard and that's OK. Because I am so confident in the fact that He is able.
God is able.
Romans 8:26
In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words.
