Yet, I don't really know what to write. I don't at all what to sound like I am complaining but my heart really needs to vent.
So, I am just going to start typing, lay it all out there, and hopefully it will make sense.
I am so exhausted. From many things really.
So many things going on at once. My heart aches for rest.
I find myself sitting in silence just wondering what is God doing.
Wondering why in whats supposed to be a fun/new time are so many hard things happening.
I started getting sick on our honeymoon. We thought oh its just blood sugar stuff. It keeps getting worse. I am constantly not feeling well. I have been to emergency rooms, and many doctors appointments. I have missed work several times. We know of many things it isn't but not sure what exactly it is. All we know something is wrong with my stomach or colon, along with a few other little things.
On top of all that Jason's car had to be fixed, and my car now needs to have repairs.
Jason has had kidney stones. And my meme passed away.
I sit here so discouraged and wondering why all these other newly married couples have perfect lives. (They don't, by the way.)
I want this so called "BLISS" where everything is happy.
There are is a problem with that.
I am totally being foolish and believing a lie.
Lies are so easy to believe. Especially when society portrays false realities. Expectation of perfection is just natural. At least for me. (These are all excuses in case you were wondering.)
Which is so incredibly dumb. Are we perfect? NO! Can we ever reach perfection? NO! So why do I think I have this entitlement to be perfect or have a perfect life? Because if I am going to be straight up honest, my trust isn't in my Creator it is in myself and I am afraid of what could come. I fail miserably every day yet God chooses to love me and thankfully reminds me of truth.
But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
Isaiah 43:1-3a
I think for so long I literally thought when God is with you nothing can happen (You would have thought I could have learned by now.) That isn't what He is saying at all. Our hearts are His. Our souls can't be touched if they belong to Christ. We will go through many things, but it can't and won't hurt us.
No matter what happens on earth nothing can harm our souls. Not even death. I should be afraid of NOTHING. At. ALL.
I am striving to have a faith that is so radiant. I am longing for a soul that shines so bright people are drawn to.
BUT None, of that will happen if I don't choose to surrender. And know that yeah this is hard and kinda sucks sometimes, but what can harm me?
I have the Lord, Holy one, Savior, on MY side. MY SIDE.
SO. COOL.
God is so good, and I am so grateful for truth that does truly give me rest.
