One that I was no where prepared for or even thought of.
I was starting to have nightmares.
No longer was my life a ride of little worries, but rather reality.
I wasn't as carefree, but I had pain.
I woke up sobbing. My heart hurt, my body ached, and my "arm" had pains indescribable.
For the first time I dreamed reality. A life with one arm.
I tried so hard to go back to sleep but the harsh realization that I could not even dream like I was normal was like a knife in my soul.
Night after night I would wake up heartbroken.
Dreams were my escape and now they just remind me of what I don't have.
I cried out in desperation.
My heart so heavy, just needed to be held by my Father.
I prayed and prayed just asking God why? Like, I really do not understand sometimes how so much pain can be for good. God, why me?
I didn't hear the answer I wanted.
"Ellie, there does not have to be a reason. I caused it for good, and good shall come. Now, do you trust Me or not?"
(sigh)
(ouch)
Pain just surged into my body and I had a choice.
Trust or Selfishly whine inside.
I literally sat there in silence realizing that I needed to get my act together.
Just because I have non-stop pain in my "arm" or my body is tired gives me no right to complain. Because for me, when I complain, I stray. My focus becomes on me and what I don't have as apposed to all that He has given. Life, love, and a special journey that although hard and painful it is all so beautiful at the same time.
I don't know why things happen. But I am glad I don't because that is the beauty of my relationship with Christ. I get to experience it. The beauty of suffering. If I knew why, it would just be like living an already told story. I wouldn't actually understand how crucial it is to really know that God is life. I wouldn't be able to comprehend that without the joy and peace He gives I would not be satisfied.
Painful realities are a blessing.
They are an opportunity to choose Christ in the midst of chaos.
For that I am so thankful.
Father, among us, keep us in Your arms
There is evil all around us and we're trying to hold on
Just to know that You're still good
And that Your love is alive
Oh, let us cling to Jesus and sing tonight
Break me, to bind me
You hurt me, Lord, to heal me
You cut me, to touch me
You died, to revive me
You do all things, You do all things
You do all things well
Tenth Avenue North "You do all things well"
God is good.
Thank you for sharing ... as the healing that has been prayed for goes deeper "deep calling deep" ... pain does surface. Normal for you was altered all the way to your soul, but praise God - HE never changes and HE is leaving no part un-touched. Trauma/death/PTSD/more ... goes that deep, and the Good Shepherd is navigating you thru valleys that will also be mtn tops and still waters too. A wounded sheep the Shepherd will tie to his body and keep them that close as they move from place to place. When healed that lamb never leaves the shepherd's side from that point forward. So yes, good will come from this - freedom from physical and emotional limitations...you will be free indeed. I read a blog recently by Ann Voskamp that I think you will appreciate:
ReplyDeleteIs Jesus merely useful to you — or is He ultimately beautiful to you?
When Jesus is useful to me,
I’m looking for a genie in a bottle, to give me the life I want.
When Jesus is beautiful to me,
I’m looking for His face in my life, to give Him the love I feel.
When Jesus is merely useful to me, I want Him to move my world.
When Jesus is ultimately beautiful to me, it’s my heart that is moved
– and this begins to change the world.
When I see Jesus as useful, he’s a gadget to make my life better.
When I see Jesus as beautiful, He’s a joy that makes my heart sing louder….
Am I a Jesus-user?
Or a Jesus-adorer?