All sorts of pain.

"I stood looking at myself for at least ten minutes. And then I looked away. From deep within me a storm of mourning brewed and broke forth. A dark, dangerous funnel cloud seemed to hit the ground. As I climbed into the shower, the storm hit, and the rain fell around me. I grabbed a shampoo bottle, just trying to move past the grief I was feeling right then, I guess. But I couldn't open it with only one hand. The shampoo bottle fell from my grasp, and I stood for a moment, utterly ruined. Then I crumpled to the floor of the shower and sobbed." Still Lolo by Lauren Scruggs

A few days ago this EXACT thing happened.

I woke up, and I had forgotten. I know that sounds crazy and absurd, but it's true.
For a moment, there was no pain.
But, when I was going to get up out of bed, it hit like a ton of bricks. Like, it was almost like it happened all over again.
I felt all sorts of pain. Emotional. Mental. And most definitely Physical. Surges through my body reminding me that this is and will always be my journey.
I tried to move past it but I broke, just like Lauren, in the shower.

I began to hear : "Ewws", "You look like a freak!", and "You look so weird!"
Lies from satan told to me by strangers.
It took everything in me to not believe them. And If I am honest with you, I did.

The struggle of getting ready that day was more intense than normal.
My heart was aching of pain.

Later that day, I was expressing my struggles to someone when they said "You still struggle with all of that? Hasn't it been 2 years?" I wanted to just yell: "Of course! Do you know what it is like living 19 years one way with dreams and goals and suddenly everything changed in an instant? It is not something you get used to. What once was will never be because I am not the same!"

I got it. In all the anger in that moment God shed light in my heart.
I am not the same.
I am learning what it is like to have joy when truthfully this sucks.
I am learning to surrender because that is the ONLY way I will have strength to get through.
I am learning that God made me beautiful, and because He knew every moment of my life before conception THIS is being made beautiful.
I am learning that God is more real than me or you. If He wasn't I couldn't get through each day.

I am just so in awe how Christ is there in ALL times.
You hear that God will rescue you when you need to be saved but really He already has.
He has rescued us, opened His arms, and He has been listening to our broken hearts this whole time.

The idea of being a Christian is easy is a lie.
It's hard and it sucks sometimes but the difference is, I have HOPE. When all the pain, junk, trials, you name it is over, I have purpose. Because Christ suffered for that purpose. He chose the pain. Honestly, I don't know if I would choose the pain. That is why I am proud to be a daughter of the King because He chose a painful, horrible, terrible, miserable death FOR ME.
That is hope!
That is why I can get up and go on.
Knowing I have a purpose.

God is good, in all sorts of pain.

All too real.

I don't even know what to think or even feel right now.
All I know is the pain is heavy and it is more real than it has ever been.

3 weeks and 2 days will mark the 2 year date since I lost my arm.
Since my whole life was turned upside down.
I honestly know the only way I can get through these next few weeks is God.

My heart hurts.
Reality hitting me hard in the face. I can't ignore it. I have to face it.
I'm not ready.

Last year, we celebrated. Spent the day in celebration that I had life. That was exactly what I needed. I needed to be encouraged, because little did I know the second year was going to be 100 times harder.
The first year I conquered. The second year I had to learn to breathe.
I have had to learn that life isn't going to go back to normal.
Can I be honest with you? It is so hard to get through the day.
Not that I thought I was going to get my arm back or anything, but I can truly say I was hoping I would wake-up. Wake-up from this dream that I didn't plan.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but that isn't true.
My heart aches. SO much.
I truly cry out so many nights in desperate need for God's embrace.  I can not do it. I can NOT do anything without asking for God's strength.

When I am at work and get frustrated because I have to change 7 kids diapers with 1 arm, I have to pray. THE WHOLE TIME. When I am opening a bottle I have to put it in between my legs, and I get upset because I keep dropping the bottle. I have to pray. When I have to hold my hair clip in my mouth as I twist my hair and push my head up against the wall and my hair keeps falling down, and I cry in frustration. I HAVE to pray. I have no other choice.

And that's ok. It's ok to be upset sometimes. I am learning that. I am learning that it is truly ok to cry. In fact it's healthy to.

I am learning that even though I do not understand this new life God has for me. It is ok. Because He is there. He is good.

He chose this for me. I choose not to dwell on the pain, but feel it and give it to Him. Surrender. It is hard to do but that is the only way to get through.
I can't move on from loosing an arm. I am reminded in EVERYTHING I do that it is gone. But what I can do is pray and give it to God knowing He can turn this horrific thing into beauty.

That's what  I am holding on to, because right now it feels like it is too much.

Hope.

It is hard to even put in words what I have seen, experienced and felt this summer.

A month and a half journey with Joni and Friends certainly can change your life.

I started off in Sterling, Virginia and my heart was blessed from the start. I went on an internship with Joni and Friends and met 9 other awesome ladies who wanted to get to know the world of disability a little better. We went through countless training sessions and in the end got to work at two awesome places, one with Mclean Bible Church and the other Jill's House. My personal favorite was Jill's house, partly because I spent more time there. Jill's House is a place that provides respite (rest) to parents who have children affected by all disabilities. We got to assist with ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) and really engage with the children to help their future grow. It was so rewarding, yet also really difficult. It was draining and physically exhausting trying to do things with one arm. I think the most difficult part of it all was it was another reality that although I don't have a cognitive or intellectual disability, I still have a disability. It felt like it hit hard every day I walked through that door. But on the flip side, I felt like I had a connection, that no other person had. I can't relate to their lives really, but I can relate to feeling different. I felt so privileged to be there. It has become one of my favorite places. I got to see children succeed, and that made it all worth it. I made so many friends and I was so sad to have to leave early, but so excited as well for the next adventure God had for me. China. Oh, how I fell in love. From the moment I got off the plane I felt safe, like I had been there my whole life. I knew God brought me here for a reason. In China, we got to team up with some awesome people and had a wonderful team. We held an IFR (International Family Retreat) and hosted families of children affected by disabilities. I got to Co-lead the story center and also had the awesome opportunity to talk to the parents. The theme was Hope Overflowing. How appropriate. These families have it hard, and they have it even harder because they have no hope. I got to share my story with the children and the parents. That was an experience I will most certainly never forget. I was asked questions like: "Can God save me? Can you or God heal my child? Will God grow your arm back?" It was so humbling talking to those mothers who just have it so rough and are just searching. I just felt so overwhelmed with the burden to share HOPE! Hope that can change, heal, and give peace to get through each difficult day. I didn't want to leave.
I have a passion and it is ignited. The world of disability is in desperate need of HOPE and grace. A world where people are shunned for things that can't be controlled, but God. He gives hope.
God didn't just take my arm and change my world for nothing.
He chose this, for me, and I may not understand it ever. But, what I do know is, I know for a fact that He has called me to be His servant. To love the broken. To share what only God can do.

It is crazy to thing that my accident happened less than 2 years ago. He has brought me so far.
I can't wait to see where He takes me next.

Thank you Joni and Friends. You truly have blessed my life.

"Here am I, Lord send Me!"Is. 6:8

P.S. Here are a few pics to enjoy! :)
 

  

A few pics from my internship!

My team in China.

This guy right here, is AWESOME! His HOPE radiates!

This might be my favorite! He yelled "Ellie" ALL DAY LONG and HAD to hold my hand!! :)

Man, God is SO good! 

In Your hands.

When I am in the car driving I like to take advantage of being alone.
A chance to talk out loud to God by either prayer or just jamming out to Air1.

So, like every other Sunday I got in my car to go to church and cranked up the music. I was singing loudly as always and not really paying attention to what I was actually saying.
Then a song that I hear daily came on called Lift My Life Up by Unspoken. I started singing then all of the sudden I couldn't. I started to truly listen to what I was saying.

"I lift my life, lift my life up. I give it all in surrender. 

I lift my heart, lift my heart up. You can have it forever, 

All my dreams, all my plans, Lord I leave it in your hands."

I stopped. I couldn't say it. 

I thought to myself: "How can I sing this, if I don't believe it? Do I really want to give it ALL? Forever? No. I do not."

The world is scary. No matter what I do, the future is not what I plan. 

So, I can give most of it, but let me hold on to a small part. That way if it doesn't go how I want it to, I can somehow have control. Because I never fully gave it to You anyway. 

Foolish.

Selfish.

My flesh was on fire. God quickly cooled me and reminded me of truth. 

Yeah, this is a scary world but it was designed by a God who already knows my future. So how dumb is it for me to think my ways are better when I could let it all go and hold my Creators hand, the one who holds my life. 

That's why we surrender. The daily battles are no worries, if He is on our side. 

No matter the outcome, He is victorious. He's already won before it even started. 

What's even cooler is that despite how selfish I am, He loves me. He chose me. 

My failures humble me more each day to know God loves me. Because honestly y'all I am wicked. 

But God. 

He chose to redeem. He chose/chooses to turn my failures into realizations of how awesome He is. 

I am glad all my dreams and all my plans are in His hands because I wouldn't of chose this life. This life, this journey, has made me realize He is enough. No matter what happens, if I am willing to let go, it will be smooth sails in a storm because He is guiding me. 

Clearly, I still fail, BAD. But as I am learning, Surrender is key. 

When I surrender, He fights my battles and is everything I will ever need. 

"I give it all in Surrender. All my dreams, all my plans, Lord I leave it in your hands."

What's there to fear, I mean God's already won. 

Right? 

God is good y'all. 

Chronicles 20:17

"You will not have to fight this battle. Take your positions: stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out and face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

Words can't describe my excitement!!!!!

First off, I just want to say WOW!!

God is really amazing. In 1 day it will be 1 1/2 years since my accident.
As I sit and think about my journey I can't help but brag on my Father.

I have been able to learn how to live life with one arm, drive, go to school, work a real job, speak several places, go to Africa, and gain more confidence in myself than I ever have had all in that short time.
I mean seriously if you say God can't do amazing things, I am proof. Because NONE of that was me.

There are hard days, don't get me wrong, but that seriously doesn't matter because I know and have extreme confidence in the fact that God , The King of Kings, is with me. Always, and NEVER will He leave me.

The past month has been so exciting. Through lots of prayer and time in God's word, I have some awesome opportunities/adventures ahead. AND I CAN NOW TELL YOU! :)

As you all know I had the chance to go to Ghana last October with Joni and Friends. It was life-changing. It was not the easiest trip but that trip changed me in deeper ways than I could explain.

And now, I have the awesome opportunity to go to China this summer.
WHAT?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?
But, not only that I get to also go on a 4 1/2 week internship with Joni and Friends.

I really wish you could know how stoked I am!

Now, Let me tell you a little but more info concerning these opportunities.

June 13, I will leave for Virginia to begin the Internship. I will be trained by top leaders and educators on disability ministry. Then I will get the chance to work hands on with local ministries to put what I have learned into practice. Lastly, I will learn how to bring all that I will learn back to help my local community. So Cool, right?
On July 14th I will fly straight from Virginia to China!
In China, we will do an International Family Retreat while partnering with Joni and Friends and another organization. We will be sharing the love and hope that come from Christ. I hope to encourage parents, as well as children, in their different journeys of disability.
Then I will come home July 24. (I will be gone a total of 6 weeks.)

Guys, I am so excited. This is my passion.
Sharing the greatness of Christ.  Encouraging the broken hearted.  Loving the lost.

I do have a few prayer requests I would like to share.

1. I do have to raise $3000 for my trip to China. I know my God is able and that it is in His hands.
2. 6 weeks is a long time. Pray for my heart as I prepare to leave my family and friends. It will be so hard, but I also know it will be so worth it.
3. Pray for me. Pray I will be able to gain as much knowledge as I can, but also learn how to actually use what I have learned. Pray also that God would just speak through me with every person I encounter. It is my prayer that the lost we will encounter will see and receive Christ. Pray also, that I will have strength and little phantom pain.

And, If by prayer, you feel God is saying to give. You can go online if you go to this link:

http://joniandfriends.org/support
Last Name: Passons
Account Number: 52D824
Click on International Family Retreat - China 2

or by check

Joni and Friends
ATTN: IFR China 2 2014 (Passons)
P.O. Box 3333
Agoura Hills, CA 91376

But really guys, I need prayer. My teams needs prayer.
Thank you for already the support that you give me daily.
I know I say this all the time but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
The encouragement you give helps me day by day.
How wonderful is it to be surrounded by the body of Christ in such a beautiful way.

Well, God sure is good. I am so excited about the plans God has. I know His are way better than mine.

Acts 1:8b
"And you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the earth."

Isaiah 6:8
"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?" Then I said, "Here and I. Send me!"

Never once did I feel what I felt.

I did it. I just went for it.

On my way to work on Monday I took a wrong turn. So naturally my GPS redirected my path and before I realized it. 

I was there. 

The place that took my life away and gained a remarkable new one all in an instant.

1 year and 5 months later. 

When it hit me that I was about to be there I knew it was time and there was no turning back. 

I have rode by there 3 times but this was the first time I was driving and I was alone.

Never once did I feel what I felt, and it never phased me till Monday. 

I saw the railroad tracks and I broke. 

I began to see myself : A carefree girl driving, singing loudly, and then BAM. 

I saw it.

I saw myself swerve, and flipping. 

I saw myself lose that life I once knew. 

I was shaking, sobbing, and fear overtook my body. 

It was painful and it almost was like it happened all over again.

Crying out, in honestly a broken heart, I felt God take hold of me and this came on the radio.

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Lord, you never let go of me

I'm not going to sit here and say the pain left my body because it didn't.

Honestly, I cried for 2 hours straight replaying it back in my head. 

But what I did know and had full confidence in is that God never let go. Never. He was there the day before, during, and He is right now. 

All I can do is trust. I know that although this journey painful still to this day has made me experience things I would not of.  Through the moments of desperation God strengthens me, reminding me He endured so much greater and He truly knows. I am trusting God for what is to come.

I know that without Him I wouldn't be here, and that's proof enough He is real and in control.

My God is good, and gives me hope, peace, and joy. For that, I will be forever grateful. Even in the pain and trials.

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in Me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!

Painful realities.

When I thought it could not get harder, another battle began.

One that I was no where prepared for or even thought of. 

I was starting to have nightmares. 

No longer was my life a ride of little worries, but rather reality. 

I wasn't as carefree, but I had pain. 

I woke up sobbing. My heart hurt, my body ached, and my "arm" had pains indescribable.  

For the first time I dreamed reality. A life with one arm. 

I tried so hard to go back to sleep but the harsh realization that I could not even dream like I was normal was like a knife in my soul. 

Night after night I would wake up heartbroken. 

Dreams were my escape and now they just remind me of what I don't have. 

I cried out in desperation. 

My heart so heavy, just needed to be held by my Father. 

I prayed and prayed just asking God why? Like, I really do not understand sometimes how so much pain can be for good. God, why me? 

I didn't hear the answer I wanted. 

"Ellie, there does not have to be a reason. I caused it for good, and good shall come. Now, do you trust Me or not?"

(sigh) 

(ouch)

Pain just surged into my body and I had a choice. 

Trust or Selfishly whine inside. 

I literally sat there in silence realizing that I needed to get my act together. 

Just because I have non-stop pain in my "arm" or my body is tired gives me no right to complain. Because for me, when I complain, I stray. My focus becomes on me and what I don't have as apposed to all that He has given. Life, love, and a special journey that although hard and painful it is all so beautiful at the same time. 

I don't know why things happen. But I am glad I don't because that is the beauty of my relationship with Christ. I get to experience it. The beauty of suffering. If I knew why, it would just be like living an already told story. I wouldn't actually understand how crucial it is to really know that God is life. I wouldn't be able to comprehend that without the joy and peace He gives I would not be satisfied. 

Painful realities are a blessing. 

They are an opportunity to choose Christ in the midst of chaos. 

For that I am so thankful.

Father, among us, keep us in Your arms

There is evil all around us and we're trying to hold on

Just to know that You're still good

And that Your love is alive

Oh, let us cling to Jesus and sing tonight

Break me, to bind me

You hurt me, Lord, to heal me

You cut me, to touch me

You died, to revive me

You do all things, You do all things

You do all things well

Tenth Avenue North "You do all things well"

God is good.