January 1, 2015 I said YES to marrying my best friend, Jason. He rang the door bell with a rose in hand (looking SO handsome I might add) with my parents, brothers, grandparents, great-grandmother, two best friends, his parents and his grandparents all there surprising me. I was in SHOCK.
BEST. DAY. EVER. (And oh my the ring is gorgeous!!!)
I know that every girl says they are the luckiest but, I really am. I can't imagine spending my life with any one else. Jason is the most selfless, caring, compassionate person I have met. He is patient and kind. He always listens and always loves. He has been such a great example of Christ in my life. He loves me even when I am hard to love. He encourages me to pursue my dreams and to always choose the path God wants, even if that means going to mission trips for 1 1/2 months. He is truly amazing. I am just so in love with him and I can't wait to start our life together.
With all of that being said, I wasn't prepared for the emotions I have felt and am feeling on this journey. I just am all over the place with Joy, happiness, excitement, anxiousness, peace and grief/sadness. I am realizing in the truest form that the "dreams" I have planned my whole life for my wedding day are gone. And even though it is such an exciting time, it is hard to not just cry because life isn't what I was planning for it to be.
As a little girl I planned my wedding in every detail. I loved the idea of a fairytale ending. I had pretty much decided that no matter what I would do 3 things for my wedding.
1. Carry a big beautiful bouquet of flowers. (I LOVE flowers!)
2. Wear a beautiful long sleeve wedding dress.
3. Go to Disney for my honeymoon.
I'm serious. Since like at least 10 years old that has been my dream.
I have had to come to realization that only one of those things can happen. I can't carry flowers and hold my dad's arm with just one hand and I can't wear a long sleeve dress with only one arm.
It is hard. It may seem silly to you but this was my dream, my happy ending, and I felt like all over again it was just shattered and ripped away. I didn't want to face it.
5 days after Jason and I got engaged my mom texted me while I was at work and asked if I wanted to go look at dresses. I replied yes. But in my heart I truly did not want to face my emotions. I pulled in and my heart was sinking. We walked in. I was bitter. As I looked through those dresses thoughts in my head of "This isn't fair." "Why couldn't I just look normal." "I am no longer going to look beautiful like I always pictured."
I broke.
I sobbed and sobbed.
My mom held me for several minutes. And as she was crying she began to comfort me saying that I was going to be beautiful. More beautiful. And that God had the perfect dress for me.
Honestly, I wanted to believe her, but I couldn't.
So I got myself together and began to put dresses into the dressing room.
I put on the first dress and I came out. My mom cried.
I loved it. I felt pretty. Which was confusing because it wasn't what I always dreamed of. Actually it was NOTHING like it.
I wanted to try on more. I tried on 4 more. All similar to one that I always had dreamt of in some way or another.
I knew. I needed to put on that first one again.
I was pretty serious the whole time I put on all those dresses until I stepped out again in that first dress.
I saw myself.
I felt beautiful.
I saw my scars and thought they were beautiful for the first time ever.
I saw myself as a bride.
I felt the joy of Christ overwhelm me and I sobbed.
My mom was right, God knew. He knew when I was 10 and gave me dreams that one day He was going to teach me that His dreams for me are WAY better. He had picked my dress well before I even planned my dreams.
He used a silly wedding dress to once again remind me how just awesome He is. And how just amazing it is that the dress was no where near what I pictured. I love that. It is so a reflection of just life. God's plan is not ever what we think it is, which is just great because it ends up being WAY better.
I could go on and on of just how God has worked in my life and in Jason and I's upcoming wedding.
I just am so incredibly thankful.
All I can say is God is SO good.
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