An Overwhelmed Soul.

Sleepless nights, wandering thoughts, and questions upon questions sums up the last two months of my life.

It's almost like it has hit me all over again. 

The loss, the pain, the struggle, the grief, and just pure hopelessness.

I remember waking up September 27th (A year and one day after my accident) thinking "OK, is it over yet? Can I just have it back?" I just laid there in silence trying to understand these permanent scars. And to be honest, I couldn't.

But, I didn't let that distract me. Besides I was about to go to Africa and I was so excited.

The day finally came. 

Trial after trial took place on this trip. 

My flight was canceled. I had to travel alone. I almost couldn't get on any of my flights. I had a 2 hour stand down. I got sick the first day. It was so hard for me to eat. I was in pain. I couldn't sleep. And many other things.

But goodness was I blessed and learned a lot more than ever imagined. 

In the frustrations of "Why isn't this going how I planned?" 

God painted the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.

I fell in love with all of the kids but there was one boy that I fell madly in love with. 

His name is Timothy. He had has 18th birthday during the retreat and he has hydrocephalus.

His eyes are beautiful and his heart is sweet. He can't talk much and he can't walk. He can move his arm but that's about it. He has a tiny smile that I can't even describe how much it touches you. 

His mother is so kind but so tired and worn out. She is the only one he has. She is aging fast, yet she is so beautiful. She radiates a contagious beauty. 

One morning we were all worshipping and they were singing "He is able, God is Able." I was just admiring all these families when I see Timothy's mother start to sob. You could see her pain. She was crying out in desperation and my heart just broke. I saw the struggles in her eyes, then the most precious thing happened. Timothy lifted his hand up and started playing with her hair and smiled the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. You could see Timothy's mother whole demeanor change and just look at her son. She knew they were going to be OK. Her face showed joy and she stood up and continued to worship with her hands held high singing and knowing "God is able."  

I was crying just in awe. God showed me the perfect picture of joy in suffering. He is "playing with our hair" when we break down. He IS able. He is there, even if we are overwhelmed. 

God IS able. This isn't my plan it is purely HIS.

Ever since I have gotten home I have been relaying that scene in my head. The beauty of suffering.

How amazing is it that in the pain there is beauty? 

It's not the world's standard of beauty it's a beauty unexplainable.
A tiny light in the darkness that even though may be small seems to radiate so much space.

My soul is overwhelmed. 

In the past two months I have felt pain that I have never experienced. I have seen things indescribable. 

I have struggled with lies from satan and I have seen God in remarkable ways.

I am learning that no matter what , even if I am overwhelmed and if I just need to cry, He hears me. 

Some days are just plain hard and that's OK. Because I am so confident in the fact that He is able. 

God is able. 

Romans 8:26
In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words.

(Here are a few pictures from my trip!!)

         

 

It was planned all along.

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my accident. (September 26th)

It is so crazy to think it has already been this long. 

I remember exactly what I wore that day, how beautiful the weather was, and how frustrated I was with my teacher. 

Then, BAM, my life was changed forever.

So many emotions flooding my head. It is a day of grief for what was lost, but also a day of joy for what was given, life. 

Sometimes I have asked God, Why? 

Why did you choose me for this? I am too weak, why did you give me such a challenging battle? 

Why did my life have to change so dramatically that it would affect me every day for the rest of my life?

To be honest, I may not ever know. 

Today while I was working out a song came on my play list that I love and listen to a lot. Today though, It had a whole new meaning.

It then hit me, that this wasn't unplanned.
God has been preparing my whole life for this.
It had already been written down in His story.
He has given me the strength to go through this, putting me through trials before this even took place.
He put hard people in my life, such as my teacher, to make fun of or criticize me in public to prepare me for this.

He has been there every step of the way, even the ones I didn't know I was taking that would prepare me for the rest of my life.

Isn't that just awesome!?

I really do just love this song!
My favorite lyrics in the song are :

Kneeling on this battleground 

Seeing just how much you've done

Knowing every victory 

Is Your power in us.

Amen!

I look back at this year, and WOW! God has done great things!!

I should be dead, but He saved me.
He gave me patience to learn how to get dressed, fix my hair, and put on my make-up.
He gave me strength to get up each day and not look back.
He has given me peace when my phantom pains seemed unbearable.
He provided a car, and He gave me peace to get back on the road.

I mean really I could go on and on.
He did all of that. For me.
How can I not have joy?

I know this may sound crazy, but this has been the best year of my life.

I have learned so much about God.
I have learned and experienced that God says I am beautiful no matter what, I am enough, that I have peace, joy, and strength to get through each day  and I can do whatever I set my mind to! (Even if people say I can't!!)

I have learned that God has called me to be His servant. To love and embrace others with the mercy and grace Christ has shown me.

Lastly,
I know God chose me for a reason. Why? Because He has given me hope, and He is faithful.

God is so good!!!!

Thank you for being there for me moment one. I love each of you! Many blessings! :)

Jehovah-Jireh

I sit here so undeserving, but so thankful.
My God has provided ALL that I need for my trip. Paid in full.
Not only in funds, but just confirmation after confirmation that is is all a part of His will.


I am so in awe of what God has done.
I am constantly amazed at how He provides for His children, even daughters like me who have little faith. Although excitement has been in the air, my doubtful heart wondered how it would be possible to  raise so much in 2 months. Even though I knew it was God's plan it just seemed so impossible to me.
Day after day He has provided, and day after day God has told me: It is possible.
Tonight, all of my funds were provided in two weeks. As I saw the balance of $0, I heard God say "Ellie, do you really think that I am Jehovah-Jireh/your provider?" Wow!
Oh, how I had to fall to His feet. An undeserving child of the King. Lay my worries at His feet and praise Him! What a loving God we serve that despite our worries, doubts, and little faith; He is there, He provides, and He loves us unconditionally.

My emotions are going crazy.
I am so excited about this trip. I can't wait to meet the people, experience a new culture, and share the awesome love Christ has given me.
I am also uncertain of what is to come. I do not know how my arm will be on the plane and there. As my phantom pain is getting worse, and I pray it will not hinder my time there.
Lastly, I am remembering. September 26th is vastly approaching. Honestly, my heart is grieving. Accepting a no longer normal life with constant stares, challenges, and pain. I am trying to remember the life He gave to me. The strength He has given to conquer each hurdle. The love He has shown by holding me in His arms. Lastly, the peace and joy that has gotten me through each day. And I know He will continue to do these things.

So much going on, but so much praise to Him who is Lord.

I want to just thank you so much.
Another thing that God has shown me, is that I have so many people supporting me.
Y'all I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.
Thank you.

God is so good.


Jehovah-Jireh= The Lord who provides!!

I have exciting News!!!!!!

Hey Guys!

So, instead of my normal blog post I am going to share some exciting news!!

You ready?!

I AM GOING TO GHANA, AFRICA!!!

I am beyond excited to share with you about this trip!!!!

For years and years I have always looked up to the amazing Joni Eareckson Tada. I have always admired her bravery and just strength when life was not picture perfect. So naturally, after my accident she was one of the first people I thought of as inspiration.

A couple months after my accident, I started to have a desire to help people like me. I have had idea after idea of how to go about them all consisting of going overseas. But they never were practical.
So I just decided to wait until God gave me the right opportunity.

About 1 1/2 months ago I was on Facebook and Joni's organization Joni and Friends popped up in my sidebar. I had heard my mom mention something about it one time so I clicked on it. I just started to look around, and then saw a tab for opportunities.  This organization helps countless people with countless disabilities daily. They have numerous trips and camps, after looking at all the ideas. I stumbled upon a trip to Ghana, Africa. Now, this trip is different than the majority of them. This trip is to convey the message that just because they have a disability does NOT mean that they are cursed by God but that Christ has an abundant amount of love for them.

I was instantly hooked.

I was going to just apply right away, but there was a non-refundable deposit. It was almost like God was saying: "Ellie, although this is a great opportunity, pray.  See if this is my will."

After weeks of praying and just little things affirming it, I knew I needed to apply.

I was emailed back Tuesday telling me all the details, and Wednesday I got a phone call. This phone call was one of the coolest things about it so far. While our conversation was going it was just like sentence after sentence it was confirmed, as if I didn't already know that is what God wanted.

Now here is the crazy part!!!!

The trip is October 5-15! Almost 2 months away!

I have to raise $3000 by then, a lot of money, but I know my God is able.

Guys, I can't even begin to convey to you how excited I am!!!

I know that God is going to use this to help me grow, learn, and become more knowing of who He is. I just can't wait to see these little kids faces and just love on them. To be able to connect with so many people on a different level!!

OH I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

I want to ask one thing of you though. PRAY!  PRAY! PRAY! Although I am excited, this is a big step. It will be emotionally and physically demanding. I know my God will help me with my pains and emotions.  Also, pray for the people that we will be ministering to. Pray that we can show them a glimpse of Christ's love, so that they know that it is not a curse to be disabled. THANK YOU!

And

If by prayer you feel led to give.
You can give online if you go to this link:

http://www.joniandfriends.org/support
Last Name: Passons
Account Number: 52D824

Or by check

Joni and Friends

ATTN: IFR Ghana 2013 (Passons)

P.O. Box 3333

Agoura Hills, CA 91376

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!

I am absolutely ecstatic about this trip! I am already in awe of what God has done so far, and I can't wait to see more!!

OH, I JUST LOVE Y'ALL!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!! (Really though, God is awesome!! I can't get over how amazing He is!!)

Also if you have any other questions feel free to contact me at: epassons@yahoo.com

The Honest Truth!

It is almost midnight July 26th. 10 months exactly since the day that changed my life forever.

To be honest, I am tired. I am weary, and worn.
I am so scared for my future and the  things unknown.
Wondering what it will be like to be a mother who can not fully embrace her child,  but only halfway.

Most days, honestly, I have the strength to conquer the world. Then others, I feel as though I am inadequate for anything.

As days go by, the reality of never going back to a "normal" life is heartbreaking.

I hate that I go out in public and I am judged for something I have no control of.

I feel like I am going crazy with these Phantom Pains. They are so strong and so real, sometimes to the point where I cry.

Why did He choose this for me?

People come up to me and say"This is going to be a huge platform" or "You are going through this to touch others."

You want to know The Honest Truth?

I believe Christ honored me with this journey to teach me.

I have been able to look at my life in a whole different light, realizing I have a heart that is in desperate need for my Father. I have a selfish heart that is impatient, harsh, and that needs love.

It is hard to realize that in your mind all along you thought you have fully surrendered, but in your heart you are holding on tight to at least a little bit. This is why I fail.

I am learning that I have to trust and surrender FULLY. Because I can't live this life on my own.

Christ constantly amazes me, even in the little things. The other day I was reading my quiet time, and just really struggling. I started reading Psalms 71 (which is one of my favorite Psalms), and then came across this verse that spoke volume to me:

(Psalm 71:14)       As for me, I will always have hope, I will praise you more and more.

Wow!

I felt this just huge amount of thankfulness. I should be waking up everyday, not just some days, with a grateful attitude. Praising God for my life and saving me with the ultimate sacrifice. That is why we have hope! 

My situation could be a lot worse. I should not even be alive, but God chose to spare me.

I am learning and trying to live this out. It is a battle, let me tell you. 

But why should I be able to whine or complain, when my God chose to die for me in a gruesome death. I shouldn't.

Isn't it awesome that God loves us despite our selfish hearts, I am so blessed. 

(2 Timothy 4:17a)    But the Lord stood by my side, and He gave me strength.

Wow, God is SO good!!

Call my name

One of my biggest struggles my whole life has been pride. Pride in the sense of feeling worthless.  I tell myself I am a failure, or I will never be good or pretty enough.
Ever since my wreck those thoughts have magnified.
As time goes by the days get harder and harder.
The reality of never living with an arm again is just more real. I know that sounds crazy, bust some nights I just wish it wasn't real and I could wake up from this nightmare.
I look at myself in the mirror and think how could anyone love "that".
When I go out in public, the stares feel like knives going into my heart. It's almost like all those thoughts seem true because if they weren't they wouldn't stare.
I feel hopeless and just plain weak.

A few days ago right when I got to work I started to have a meltdown. I just started to cry out everything that was on my mind. I do not think I have let ALL of my feelings out in a very long time like that.  I felt like I just needed to pray. But to be honest I didn't even know what to say. Then this song came on the radio.

I can't even begin to tell you how much peace overwhelmed me. I could feel God speaking to me saying "Ellie, I am here. Just call my name."
How cool is that!!!

I am learning daily to surrender. I am learning that I do not have anything to measure up to, and God just wants me to be the woman He created me to be.

God is constantly teaching me or reminding me things daily.
I am also realizing the more I am in the word the easier the day will be but also I am becoming more aware of how the enemy attacks me.
It is so amazing how God has given me strength to complete each day because honestly some days I don't feel like I can get through. He gives me the peace and just wraps me up in His arms and gives me the love I need to succeed.

People constantly ask me how I do it. Truth is I don't. Christ does. I couldn't even imagine going down this road without my Father, and honestly I couldn't even if I tried.

I have struggles, yes, but man I am so thankful to go on a journey that I get to learn about how real the love of Christ is.

God is SO good!

Romans 8:6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

I have been set free.

This past week has been an insane week.
I drove for the first time, AND I am now driving around!! Whoohoo! I can't even begin to tell you how awesome it was to drive for the first time! I felt so accomplished, and so strong.

To be honest, those emotions didn't last long.
I was in my parents room, and I just all of the sudden broke. Everything that I had been storing up just poured out. Those feelings of sadness that I had been pushing back came at a downpour.
I could feel the anger rising. Anger that I had never felt before. Honestly thoughts of just wanting that guy that cut me off to know the pain I go through day by day.
I felt so weak. I just felt like I couldn't be strong or at least act like I was anymore.
Honestly , I was getting upset with myself for the way I was feeling.
My parents and I started talking about the awesome things this journey has brought.
In that moment I realized I was under attack and I needed to start praying. So as we were talking I was trying to pray and fill my mind with the joy of Christ. It was so cool because I know the truth and It truly did set me free.
The things I have learned about my Father I wouldn't of learned if I had not gone through this.
The experiences I have had, like getting to tell people about His story, I wouldn't of had such a platform to do so carelessly.
The peace that I feel daily, knowing that I have hope, it is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
I honestly wouldn't change a thing. I have learned that loosing a arm is so worth it, because my relationship with Christ has grown, strengthened, and the realization that He chose me to be His daughter is so much greater.  He has given me such a heart for the lost that it truly does fill me with sadness knowing people will not know Him as their Savior. 

When I got into my room that night the realization of how satan can attack so easily just was real in a different way. We need to be ready. We need to be filling our minds DAILY with His words and be in constant prayer because if we are not we have given satan an opening to pull us away. It is so crucial through life because in the good or bad you can always see the greatness of Him if you are devoted.

As I am sitting here writing this my heart is so overcome with joy knowing that my chains are gone and I have been set free. It just brings a smile to my face thinking about what God has done.
He gives me strength, and He gives me the ability to conquer things that wouldn't be so easy if I didn't have Him by my side!

Whether or not I have my left arm, I am the daughter of The Most High. Nothing else really matters.
Because the He is so much more powerful than anything on this earth. So when I am under attack, I know if I call on His name satan doesn't stand a chance.

Isn't God just so awesome! I am so in awe of Him!! God is good!

I am forever grateful.

I am so in love with Christ.
My heart is hungry and thirsty for His words. I desire His love more than anything because I know I can't be satisfied without it.
I can't go throughout a day without talking to my Father.
I feel so inadequate for this gifted life. So unworthy to be a chosen child of the King of Kings.
Why me?
I sit here wondering why God chose me for this journey.
I can honestly say I don't know and I do not understand why. I struggle with it daily. The pain, the grief, the judgments, and a new life it all seems too much.
What I do know is, He gives me hope.
In the midst of my grief, I have joy. I can't even begin to explain it to you.
While I cry, I can feel His arms just hold me tight. I know He is there.
I have peace, and it really does pass all my understanding. I have no idea what this crazy life will bring, but for the first time in my life I have no fear. I know that because God has brought me to this point, I know He can get me through anything.
I can't even begin to describe to you the passion and desire I have to share Christ.
It overwhelms me with sadness to know that many people will not celebrate with me in the hope that Christ gives us.

I can't imagine going through this without Him.
I wake up with grief, questions, and sadness.
I fail. I trust my ways are better.
I tell myself lies, thinking that I am worthless. I stare at myself in the mirror wanting my arm back so badly.
That is why I am humbled God chose me. Because He could of chosen any other person, but instead He chose me.  A flawed one-armed young woman with fear and doubt, to share about a flawless God in ways many people can't.

I am able to share my story everyday.
People watch, they judge, they stare, and some even ask me how it happened . It is such a huge platform to share the awesome grace, peace, and joy that Christ gives.
In those moments God gives me the confidence to moves mountains. He gives me the words to say when I don't know what to say, or when I feel sad because of my new life.

I can't explain it.
This is not me, at all. Truthfully I don't have any desire for it to be me. I could care less if people remembered my name or what I looked like. All I want them to remember is that there is hope in this crazy life, and there is NO way you can get through it without Him.

I am so thankful. I just feel so humbled right now.
Man, we serve an AMAZING God!

GOD IS GOOD!!

Sometimes I forget...

In my head I have daily battles of self worth, dissatisfaction, and just plain grief. 

The past month, as my medical problems are starting to die down, the reality of what happened has hit me harder than before.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I forget. I wake up, go to sit up in my bed, then it hits. My arm isn't there. It's gone. Sometimes I feel like it happened last week. I am still in shock. 

I am going through the beginning stages of accepting that I will not be able to do things the same way, ever again. 

It is so frustrating. My arm is in constant pain sometimes extremely sharp because my body is confused that it isn't there anymore

I can't wait till I can look in the mirror and be ok with the way I look now.  It is so hard to shop, because things fit and look differently than before. 

It is so hard to know that I will never be able to reach out with both arms to hug someone. I almost feel like I am letting them down because I can't even give someone a normal sign of affection. 

I deal with the thoughts of "well now I can't do anything" or "I am different and funny looking".

I feel the stares, and judgments every where I go. 

I am constantly having to just cry out to Christ, because I can't do this. I can't, at all.

I am writing all of this to tell y'all, I do not have it together. I think sometimes people think that I do, but reality is that I struggle like every other person. 

One of the things that amazes me most about Christ, in the midst of my pain and whys, He is there. 

Like, guys He is still with us. No matter what. 

Every time I feel a thought that satan plants in my head, I can hear Christ almost instantly saying: "But Ellie, you are enough" or "Ellie, I don't care what you wear or who stares, I care about my precious daughter."

I have seriously struggled with the verse "You are fearfully and wonderfully made". I would look in the mirror and think ,but I was not born like this. So, therefore it is not true.  

As time has gone on and I have constantly surrendered, I have realized that He is and always has been the potter and I am the clay that He is molding.   

Y'all we serve an awesome God. I mean daily DAILY I try to comprehend the pain and torture Christ went through for me and I am SO incredibly humbled. 

We have it good. 

Imagine doing nothing wrong, but everyday you are criticized for being who you are. And then called horrible names, being mocked, beaten, and hung on a cross to die. 

I can't even begin to comprehend what my Father went through, and to think that it was all for me.

That is what gets me through. 

God is good.

In all the trials..

The doctors were amazed my healing process has been so great. Four weeks after my accident my arm and a 6" cut on my back had healed up completely.

It was time to take out stitches. 

Even though I knew having them removed were going to be painful, I had NO idea how much pain it would be. The skin had grown over and they were deep in there. Like I'm talking screaming pain not crying pain. Thankfully the pain only lasted a day! 

I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome it was to take a shower without worrying about getting my stitches wet. 

A few weeks later my arm started to swell up, each day it got bigger and more painful. It was a total of 5 days and then it busted.

Now I won't go into detail but it was gross. I went to the emergency room with my grandparents because my parents were at a Tennessee game. I had an infection in two places and I had to stay for surgery. I went into surgery on the 3rd day. 

After surgery I realized they didn't close it up. I was then told that they were not going to close it up because they were cavities in my skin and they needed to close on their own. Ok, so I'm sitting there with two holes in my arm one weirdly shaped, and the other an inch wide and an inch deep. All that I can think is: Are you serious?? 

They then proceeded to tell me that to clean them every day I have to put soap around them and put the holes under water. The thought alone gave me pain.

 I will tell you I started praying right then to give me strength to do this because everything in me was not wanting to. I went home the next day.

I really need to take a shower but I will be honest it took me like 30 min to even convince myself to turn the shower on. I got in and God gave me the immediate strength to just do it. It stung, burned and I cried. But because He gave me strength, and I did it. 

It is amazing how God just instantly gives you the ability to do something you didn't think you could.

While all that was going on my back was getting worse.

We actually didn't find out my back was broken until two weeks later. They had missed it, while dealing with my arm. They sent us directly to a back doctor. He told us I had a 10% compression fracture.  He said I didn't need a brace, and there was no way to make it worse. He told me I could go back to work and do anything till I get tired.

So I did all that he said I could do. As days went by my pain got worse and worse. I couldn't do anything without having pain. 

We then told one of my doctors, and he ordered a CT late December. A few days later I got a phone call saying that my back had turned from a 10% to a 40% compression fracture. It had now affected two bones. I also found out that three hooks on the side of my vertebrae had been chipped off in my wreck.  

Life was getting harder and I was starting to realize what the rest of my life would look like with one arm.   It was hard to go to do something and realize you can't do it because you only have one arm. Even the things I have to differently still was frustrating because I wasn't so called "normal".

One morning as I was doing my quiet time I came across this verse and it was exactly what I needed. 

Isaiah 43:2-3a

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you

When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.

When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned. The flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God. The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Wow! He is with us, in every single thing we face.I was just overcome with such awe. I began to reflect on everything that I had been through so far and in ever situation it is so evident that He has been with me! Although life isn't easy, I have a God who has given me the strength in all the trials I have been faced with. Even when I stumble or fail, He has picked me up and held me in His arms. He has given me joy to get through each day. God is good. He is Jehovah Shammah, the Lord who is there.

Daughter of The King.

There is a first time for everything. The first time a baby takes its first step, or the first time you go into a new store. Whatever it is, there is always an expectation. Big, small, bad or good.

I had been begging to go to Chickfila and Target. I wanted to tackle both in one day. Now this was a big stretch. We are talking not going anywhere except to therapy/doctors to going to my favorite places. 

I had this whole picture in my head. It was going to be amazing. 

We pulled into Chickfila and went in and enjoyed a nice lunch. Then we drove over to Target. We walked in, and I was so excited. I asked my parents if I could look around by myself and they said yes. I was so excited to see people. I noticed they were staring at me for some reason, I was so confused. Then it hit. I felt embarrassed. Seconds later a woman turned to her child who was about 3 or 4 and said "Honey look at her, doesn't she look funny? She looks like a freak doesn't she?" Now, not only was I embarrassed I was ashamed, of something I couldn't control. I was so upset, how could a stranger treat me so badly. But God quickly reminded me that the world and everyone in it will fail me but He, my God, will ALWAYS love me! No matter what, two arms or one. The rest of that day and  the next few days were constant struggles, and having to constantly surrender. 

A few weeks later we went to a pancake breakfast to support a wonderful man. He is a soldier that lost his two legs, and the proceeds were going to him and his lovely wife. Afterwards, I realized I  needed to get a few things at Target. So we went in and again, I went off and got my stuff. I started to get in a lot of pain, so I went and sat in the eating area while my parents finished shopping. 

I started playing on my phone and then I put it down and just as I did I heard this loud group of people laughing. 

A group of about 7 or 8 people my age. They were all pointing and laughing at me. One guy said "She is so ugly she should be in a freak show." Other things were said and then they left. I looked around and saw people laughing too. 

At that moment I wanted to cry, but I felt like God was saying "Ellie pray for them." I thought, uhh yeah right. They had hurt me, really BAD. 

I got up and found my parents. We left and when we got home I told them what happened. I even told them that I felt like I should pray for the people the laughed at me, but it was so hard to grasp the thought of praying for them when they were so hurtful.

That night I was on my computer on Facebook and someone had posted a song, so I listened to it. After the song was done it gave me suggestions of more songs and I clicked on "Losing" by Tenth Avenue North. 

I had heard this song many times on the radio before my wreck but the video I was watching had the lyrics typed out and it was the exact song I needed to hear. 

I felt this need to pray for those people, I felt God saying literally get on your knees and pray for them.

I forgave them right there, and I felt free. 

I realized that no matter if people stare or say harsh things, God thinks I am beautiful. Why? Because He created me, and I am the daughter of The King.

(This is the video/song I watched that day!)

09/26 - A day I never imagined

There are certain things in your life that you will never forget. It may be a random detail, like what your Great-grandfather pranked on a random lady in the K-mart. Or it could be huge, like knowing you will never be able to play with your little brother you were so excited about getting because he passed. Those moments, those memories, those smells, they helped make you into the person you are right now. 

My whole life I have been in various trials that have forced me to fall onto my knee's in prayer and surrender because I could not go on alone. So weak and broken that nothing could satisfy my soul more than the love of my Heavenly Father.

September 26th was like any other day. I got up, got ready, and left for my two classes. 

I had Math in the morning and Composition in the afternoon. 

My Comp. class ended at 3:15 so just in time to go to Sonic for happy hour. I got my usual, Vanilla Coke. I was going to go home and do some homework before Bible Study. 

My A/C didn't work so I had the windows down, and was jamming to J103. One of my favorite songs had come on, 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman, and I was singing at the top of my lungs.

I was in the left lane, getting ready to get in the right lane. I turned on my blinker, looked in my mirrors, looked behind me, and I started to go. 

As I started going the car right behind me swerved fast in the right lane, and went back right in front of me forcing me to slam on my breaks. My car then turned towards oncoming traffic. 

It was perfect timing that I was going to go straight into the side of the car coming towards me. In that split second I thought, I know I am going to heaven but I don't know about them, so I swerved right and hoped for the best. That is all I remember. 

I was told that my car went head first into a pole and my car flipped over the guardrail and flipped a few times 

stopping right before the Tennessee River. 

The man I almost hit, swerved over and ran out. The ambulance and many people were there in an instant he said. They were saying there is no way I could be alive, and as they were about to pronounce me dead, they heard me moan. 

There he saw it, what would change my life forever. My left arm had been cut off. He took off his shirt and wrapped what was left of my arm. I was responsive, and talking to him. I asked him "Did I loose my arm?" and He said "Yes." I had a big cut on my back that was bleeding bad, but I hardly ever bled from my arm being cut off. They not once, had to give me blood. I went straight into surgery where the cleaned out my arm and closed my back. This is all that was told to me.

The next thing I remember is seeing my mothers face, and the man I nannied for (My dad and brothers were in Asia trying to get here as fast as they could). I remember saying "Mom, I know my arm is gone." I vaguely remember my pastors face and other family members but my memory isn't real clear till the 29th which is when I had my second surgery to close up my arm. 

Those first days were extremely awful, I was in so much pain. On top of my arm pain, I had a broken shoulder and back.

I remember holding my dads hand and my mom rubbing my head as I moaned and screamed in pain countless times. My whole body ached and was in shock. I would go to do stuff and realize that I couldn't and I would just sob. The only thing that would calm me down was praise music. ( How awesome!)

I had so many visitors. The love and prayers that I felt were over and abundant. I was able to leave the hospital October 3rd. That was when reality hit. I walked into my grandparents house and saw my reflection and broke down.It was a painful sight. So many painful thoughts, and realizations I didn't want to believe. I remember feeling an overwhelming peace, which I often felt in the hospital. I felt as though God was holding me and saying "I know you do not understand, but I have a plan."

To be continued...